It keeps you jumping!
29th April 2007
 
Following my recent exposure of Pointz and his evil ways, it wasn't too long before I saw this message posted on MySpace. I assumed this was a joke, until Pointz confirmed that it was necessary. MySpace has a broad appeal and stupidity is to be expected, but jeez! Humanity has outdone itself this time.
 
Click here to see the video in question. I could take the resulting confusion as a testament to my skillz, but seriously. I threw that together in about half an hour. That's not to say I would've done much better given more time.
 
The Oswald video was real, however.
 
Mr Jerky
 
 
Wednesday 28th March 2007:
Received an email informing us of some bullshit "award" our company received for its contribution to saving trees. I thought this might've had something to do with the paperless filing system we use, even though no-one seems to realise that it doesn't save paper when you insist on printing each document, scanning it back into the computer, uploading the scanned image and throwing the piece of paper away. I prefer to upload the original file because it saves getting up.
 
On closer inspection, I noticed the award was given by a shredding company. They reckon that we "saved" 61 trees by recycling 61 trees worth of paper. By this logic, the more paper we use, the more we do to help the planet! It's a way of making business I guess. An ethically questionable way, but it's not as if I'm obliged to care. The only people who are going to lose out are your children, and if they turn out anything like you they'll be a bunch of cunts who'll fucking deserve it anyway.
 
Friday 30th March 2007:
Found myself being taunted about the England vs Ireland cricket match this afternoon, as if I'm some fucking ambassador of English people. Fuck that guy! I come here to work and make bucks, not to be hassled by some old fool! Because of this, I was more pleased than I would've otherwise been when Ireland lost. Now this surge of fairweather fuckwits can pipe-down already. Irish people aren't even supposed to follow cricket.
 
Two weeks ago, they didn't even have a team for all I knew. First the "sacred" Croke Park sells-out and now this. My old headteacher would be spinning his grave, considering his ban on all English sports from the playground. Kids would still play non-gaelic football, but someone would pick up the ball whenever a teacher walked past. This was while I stood about on my own, watching everyone else have fun from afar and wishing they were all dead. Nothing's changed then!
 
Sunday 1st April 2007:
It seems that if I really want to prevent folks from raping my orc with their eyes (26/02/07), my only course of action would be to acquire a Tinfoil Hat. As brilliant an idea this is, today is April 1st and it's probably some kind of joke. I later discovered that other people weren't pleased about The Armoury either, which explains how Blizzard responded without me actually making a formal complaint. I just assumed they knew from stealing my thoughts. Ah-ha!
 
Friday 6th April 2007:
In February, Agus decided to give up alcohol for Lent, even claiming to be serious about it. He did better than I thought he would, only getting pissed-up four times, and only drinking six times in total (that I know of, I was away for two weeks). And to be fair, one of these piss-ups occurred on St. Paddy's Day when Irish folk believe they are entitled to a day off for being Irish. "Conceited pricks" some might argue. But in spite of this, he's still refusing to drink until Easter Sunday. It's just a good job God doesn't exist, otherwise there might be a problem here!
 
Tuesday 10th April 2007:
It wasn't long before someone asked me if I'd gone "home" to England for the Easter weekend. My colleagues seem to be under the impression that I'm living here in an effort to "find myself" or some bollocks. Not that I've actually given them any reason to believe this, but they've decided it anyway and it would take me years to convince them otherwise. I can't be arsed with that, I don't even plan to stay here that long.
 
Saturday 14th April 2007:
Today was a nice bright and sunny day. So I inevitably wasted it playing World of Warcraft in my shitty prison-cell style bedroom with the light on because my one tiny window is useless for anything other than letting in noise. I'd be happier if the bloody thing were bricked-up. Well, less unhappy. Now click here to see a bunch of people being "random". I see this occur on a near-weekly basis and it never gets old.
 
Monday 23rd April 2007:
Had a follow-up hospital appointment for my recent operation (24/02/07). I still have some trouble with post-nasal drip, so I decided to attend in the vain hope that they had a magic pill to make it go away. Plus, it was an excuse to take time off work and venture somewhere (ANYWHERE) outside of Ireland, just for the sake of doing so.
 
I checked in at the hospital, but it didn't seem like the dizzy bint at reception was paying attention. I said what needed to be said, loud enough for her to hear me, but unfortunately communication is a two way process. She was distracted by whatever rubbish passes for "thought" in a woman's mind and there was fuck-all I could do about it. An hour later, this happened:
 
MR JERKY: I've been here since two, could you tell me if I have much longer to wait?
RECEPTION: Okay... You're not checked in. You've only just got here, right?
MR JERKY: I've been here an hour.
RECEPTION: And did you come to reception?
MR JERKY: Twice.
RECEPTION: And you spoke to me?
MR JERKY: Yes!
 
There are signs all over Crawley Hospital warning patients not to assault their staff, and I completely understand why. The receptionist then directed me to the consultant's office, telling me that "he was just about to call [me] in" which was bullshit. The consultant advised me to gargle salt-water, making an international flight hardly seem worth it. It was still cheaper than seeing an Irish doctor, mind.
 
Friday 27th April 2007:
Today was some special occasion at work, which meant going out to a restaurant for lunch. I was invited, even though they obviously didn't want me there and I didn't want to be there either. But I couldn't think of an excuse not to go on the spot, and ended up going nonetheless. It was a very snobby restaurant full of stupid micks wearing suits and drinking wine, casually discussing their "tomtom devices" and "broadband internet" as if they were real people.
 
I didn't bother getting involved with the group conversation because I wouldn't have got a word in edgeways if I tried. Someone did ask me for my opinion at one point, but only so he could have the cheap pleasure of cutting me off midway through my response to talk to someone more important, which I saw coming anyway. I should have put his head through the fucking window. Should have, but didn't.
 
Good day!
 
© 2007 MR. JERKY