Scat's where it's at
8th July 2006
 
So take off your hat, scat music and all that wacky stuff. Welcome to another shit-crammed installment of your favourite website, Planet Jerky.
 
In recent news, the two Jo(h)ns; Jon Wine and the late Scatman John have joined forces ad hoc to finally "stop the rain" once and for all, where "rain" is a very subtle analogy for "corruption" and to some extent, "pollution".
 
It's no coincidence that the word "unbeatable" springs to mind when seeking adjectives to describe this exciting new alliance of wine zeal and preachy techno-rap. Watch out corruption: Your days are numbered.
 
Mr Jerky
 
 
Wednesday 28th June 2006:
A company based in a nearby office block has launched a marketing campaign for their new fruit-based drink, which is amusingly called "AdeZ". I can't see how they've managed to overlook its startling phonetic similarity to a deadly immunodeficiency syndrome. It must have been intentional, possibly an effort to gain notoriety though use of hilarious slogans such as "I've got AdeZ!" or "Get AdeZ, motherfucker!"
 
So naturally, I started brainstorming for ways to cash-in using rape as a subversive marketing tool. First I had to think of a way to include the letter "Z" because it makes a bold statement against the conformity of spelling imposed upon us by the government and corporations, or whatever stupid crap my target demographic are believing. There's money to be made from selling poorly thought-out rebellion. Oswald had this advice:
 
Oswald: you could go hip hop and market it as "RiZZapE!"
Oswald: do not forget the capitals, they are essential.
 
Friday 30th June 2006:
Went on a trip to Brighton this afternoon with some people, including "Captain Research" and "Luke" who've been over from Ireland for the last week. We spent most of the time faffing about by the sea, making an effort not to accidentally look at the obligatory fat man in tight speedos. Here is a picture of me posing like an asshole in front of what appears to be a giant donut monument, commemorating donuts (good call).
 
Exposing my shoulders seemed like a good idea at the time. I saw it as a chance to soak up more rays for a sun tan, which I could then use as an excuse to approach black people and say things like "ooh look, I'm almost as brown as you!" expecting them to be impressed with how un-racist I am, whilst simultaneously reassuring other white people that there's no need to ostracize me for fear of being seen as the sort of person who affiliates with racists.
 
But this was a move I'd live to regret. Considering my bare shoulders are usually concealed from sunlight, they were easily sunburned without me realising until it was too late. It doesn't hurt that much, just so long as I'm sitting motionless in front of an electric fan at full blast, or in a bath tub full of cold water. Otherwise it stings like a motherfucker.
 
Tuesday 4th July 2006:
Was surprised when I came out of the can to see two New York police harassing people in the office. Fearing they might be "hot cops", I promptly made my way back to my desk before witnessing anything I might regret. It turned out they were just assholes hired by the company to advertise news that they're now running extra flights to New York. They did this by handing out apples, much to the annoyance of one fat woman who felt it necessary to whinge about her distaste for fruit. You prefer cakes, we've all seen the size of your arse, we get it already. Sheesh!
 
The cops were clearly Brits feigning American accents while repeating phrases such as "how you doin'?" and "have a nice day". They utterly lacked the charisma they tried so desperately to emulate, rendering their show awkward and painful to watch. One of my co-workers was initially confused by the apple symbolism. When informed that New York is sometimes called "The Big Apple", he somehow managed to reply "is it?" without a shred of irony.
 
Wednesday 5th July 2006:
Today was some guy's last day and as a joke, they got someone to crudely photoshop his homo visage onto a picture of The Terminator and strew prints of it around the office. Next to the image were the words "OUZI* [sic] 9MM LAZER SIGHTING", which I can only assume served to make it even more hilarious. I was probably alone in thinking it was a piece of shit. But to be fair, if I'd been in charge and produced something that was actually funny in my own mind, such as this picture, I probably would've been lynched by now.
 
*Way to misspell a three letter word, shitwad.
 
Thursday 6th July 2006:
Eagle-eyed Internet types have responded to my week long "AdeZ" fixation by sending me pictures of some relevance. Below are two photographs of AdeZ displayed upon both a bus and bus stop. Also pictured is a box of "Ayds" appetite suppressant candy, which just goes to show that marketers have been making the same mistakes since the 1980s. And it seems other fruit-based drinks have turned to using controversial methods. Ribena may have crossed a line here.
 

 
Good day.

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© 2006 MR. JERKY