Buy your kids a fucking stick
6th May 2006
 
It may surprise you to learn that I'm not a big fan of being made the bearer of bad news, even if it is about seven years late. The Scatman may be dead, but his beat lives on! Or something to that effect. Shut up.
 
When will people learn that the only groin of any interest to Jeeves is his own? Particularly its receival of handjobs. Like many Internet Butlers, Jeeves does enjoy a good handjob from time to time and isn't too fussed about who he gets it from either.
 
And as much as I enjoy half-heartedly typing about Planet Jerky's Ask Jeeves referrals to fill up a bit of space, I have to leave you with the journal now because a park bench is chasing me. Good day.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Vapour Release Jerky
 
 
Sunday 16th April 2006:
Today is the day when Jesus turned into a rabbit and started shitting eggs, so naturally I celebrated by getting down on the roof. I was filmed doing this, though the camera phone used would only record 10 seconds of footage at a time, meaning most of my award-winning moves were lost, along with the relevance of this clip. I also tacked on some footage of that "Luke" guy also faffing about on the roof, though he cheats at getting up there by being tall.
 
Monday 17th April 2006:
Went to Dublin this morning with that Agus guy. Myself, Agus and his housemates went to what we thought was a boot sale in search of BARGAINS. It actually turned out to be an auction. We were a bit disappointed and didn't stay long. As much as I enjoyed the idea of bidding on a gold umbrella or the more lucrative double-gold umbrella, it wasn't worth waiting around all day to find out they'd probably made two mistypings of "golf umbrella". Look, the keys are right next to each other!
 
Later, we went out drinking in "Temple Bar, mate", which has earned its unofficial suffix by being the most sought-after area of loudmouth English tourists who say "mate" a lot. As we entered one pub, "Alan" used the Delboy-esque expression "n'est pas" in conversation. A mysterious blingwad wearing a suit and standing alone overheard this, and began shouting "N'est pas? N'est pas?! You can shove that up your bollocks!" We watched him ranting and laughing to himself about various things for as long as we were there. I told him to "get a life" on the way out, which was sound advice.
 
Friday 21st April 2006:
I've always wanted to be the sort of ponce who takes loads of camera phone pictures and then posts them on The Internet, but have never actually gone ahead with it. Until now! Move your mouse pointer over the pictures for "excellent" captions rivalling those of any video games-related magazine. It'll work even if you're using Firefox! Holy fuck! But if you think I'm going back to re-write my entire site in words Firefox can understand, well... you'd be right. Goddammit.
 




 
If you have a problem with this entry then I guess you can go fuck yourself because it doesn't exist for your approval, much like everything in that respect. Expect more, shitblinger!
 
Saturday 22nd April 2006:
Returned to Crawley this afternoon. Upon my arrival, I received a text message from Mr Beardo informing me that he'd got a new phone number purely for picture messages. I asked him why the hell he needed two separate numbers for texts and pictures. He told me it was because the old phone had run out of storage memory. I suggested that instead of lugging two phones around in his manbag, he just use one phone and delete the old crap he didn't need whenever it got full. He then asked me if I'd been drinking, assumably because of my insane, clearly-drunken logic.
 
Friday 5th May 2006:
It seems that summer, my most hated of all seasons is upon us. I'm not saying that winter isn't shit as well, but at least when I look out the window I can think "yeah, I'm better off locked-up in here". Now when I look outside, I feel some distressing urge to leave the house and "do something" instead of just sitting here stewing in my room. Stepping outside the door is all well and easy, but then what? And to make matters worse, I've got the World Cup, Big Brother and my 24th birthday to look forward to. If I could go into a coma for the next few months, that'd be great.
 
Oh yeah, and I know this is the first entry in nearly two weeks, but if you think I'm about to explain my absence, you've got another thing coming. Press reveal to find out what:

 
Get off my planet!

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