Send more bees
14th January 2006
 
I was looking at Planet Jerky's statz recently, and I'm a little bit concerned. After all the hits from people still searching furiously for "Gaqspace" on Google, the amount of traffic I receive suggests that a number of strangers think they can just come here and read my shit willy-nilly. Even though I was pretty sure my only visitors were people I know and that "Hornbunkle" fucker.
 
Not that I think this means anything to anyone, I'm just short of stupid crap to type in this introductory paragraph that I should probably phase out somehow. I'm going to hurry up and upload all this before that crazy Dutch bastard "Oswald" gets any more volatile.
 
Mr Jerky AKA A. Blingwad
 
 
Friday 16th December 2005:
People at work keep asking me what I'm doing for Christmas. It's annoying because after I tell them I'm going to Ireland, I then have to explain how, despite speaking with a very English accent, I'm actually from Ireland and all my immediate family live there. Then they ask if I'm "going by plane", along with other stupid remarks that suggest genuine uncertainty of where Ireland actually is geographically. I wish some people would mind their own business and just leave me the fuck alone.
 
I got a plane to Ireland in the evening after work. Rather than head straight home, I went to Agus's gaff in Dublin because I need to do some shopping tomorrow morning. I haven't been motivated enough to drag myself out to do any in Crawley so far.
 
Sunday 18th December 2005:
Woke up this morning without the hangover I deserved thanks to the miracle of "Resolve". Agus and I spent a while mentally retracing our steps from the hazy walk home last night. I had small cuts on my fingers from when I punched a hole in a stranger's car window for reasons I cannot remember. Agus elbowed another car while the driver was still inside. He got out to protest, so I drunkenly yelled at him until he went away, as if it was him who'd wronged us. In both cases, they'd probably done something to deserve it. Although no-one would ever investigate crimes as petty and childish as these, we did have an airtight alibi prepared.
 
Thursday 22nd December 2005:
After spending a few days at our parents' gaff, Agus and I went back to Dublin to finish the shopping and drink more booze. We went through at least 20 shops searching for the new Al Murray DVD, but couldn't find it. If we wanted Brendan O'Carroll or David McSavage, there wouldn't have been a problem. To my knowledge, Brendan O'Carroll is a man who pretends to be an old woman, which is the basis for a lot of Irish comedy. I hadn't even heard about McSavage until today, but was fortunate enough to catch his live performance. He was on a street corner with a guitar, taunting passers-by as part of his improvised comedy song. We didn't stay very long so I must have missed all the good material.
 
Sunday 25th December 2005:
It's Christmas day, blingwad! This afternoon, I was sat in a room with Luke playing a PS2 game with repetitive dialogue in one corner, Agus playing a Gamecube game with repetitive dialogue in the other, while my youngest sister spouted repetitive orders to her "Nintendogs". This may have bothered me slightly if I wasn't sat on my arse, full of food with a beer in my hand. It was great! Presents I got included a nifty hip flask from that Agus guy. Man, I am going to look so hardcore.
 
Sunday 1st January 2006:
My Christmas break is over and it's now time for me to return to this crock-of-shit town to work my arse off for another year. But at least I've got one good thing to look forward to: An entire bank holiday playing "WoW". I plan to rack-up many "rested" double points by heroically murdering everything that stands in my way. And on the subject of points:
 
Pointz: "Just a quick message to say Happy Easter from all of us at Lincoln Alzheimers Society and all the best for 1983."
 
Tuesday 3rd January 2006:
Returned to work to find that some guy had left a "present" on my desk. I opened it when I got home, and it was a small box of Belgian chocolates. He probably gave the same thing to everyone in the office, but it's still weird. It's like he thinks he's Swiss Toni and I'm a beautiful woman. Also on the table were a few cards. Incredibly, one of the senders had managed to misspell my name so badly that it became a girl's name. This was either a conscious effort to diss me or she's just a fucking idiot. My money's on the latter.
 
Friday 6th January 2006:
That crazy bitch who doesn't like me drinking coffee has finally finished her redundancy-transition period and left the office. I'd like to think this was the end of her as far as I'm concerned, but I doubt it. She'll still come in every other week to chat with her little faggot buddies like everyone else who leaves, instead of just getting a life or something.
 
Friday 13th January 2006:
Paid my annual visit to the Inland Revenue to inform them that I am not self-employed and they should stop sending me fucking tax returns. I got myself "removed" from their list for next year. But when I complained about them doing the same thing before, I was warned that they'll re-add me whenever they feel like it and there's nothing I can do to stop them. Bastards! And now I'll have to fight those fudgepackers in HR for my "P60" and hope to get it before January 31st, lest they slap me with a £100 fine for not declaring the 88p or whatever it is I supposedly owe them.
 
Also today, I received much-anticipated components from The Internet. Though at the time of ordering, I hadn't done enough homework to realise that "PCI Express" was different to PCI, which means I'll have to send the graphics card back. I could've gone with AGP, but that slot seems to be missing from my cheap-shit motherboard entirely. I upgraded my RAM to 2GB, which is something I'm mentioning so that I may read over it in five years time and laugh at our primitive earth technology. 2GB? Ah-ha-ha etc.
 
I'll leave you now with a video of Oswald "The Goldmine" Witsenhuijsen that I uncovered over a year ago, but didn't get round to linking on this site for some reason. Click here.

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© 2006 MR. JERKY