I say when it's Christmas
15th December 2005
 
Speaking of orcs this Christmas, they are currently celebrating "Winter Veil" in Azeroth. This is probably due to the absence of an Orc Christ, but at least they won't offend any politically correct white people acting on behalf of foreigners who are too busy lopping heads off of naive "peacemakers" to give a flying fuck about what's going on in World of Warcraft anyway.
 
And even if they did care, what are they going to do, send suicide bombers into Orgrimmar? There's no point, everyone would just come back to life! The terrorists haven't thought this one through.
 
I'd wish you all a Merry Christmas, but I don't want to. I hope you die of AIDS this Christmas or failing that, contract AIDS and die ten years later. Hopefully sooner. Eat shit.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Danny Orcman
 
 
Thursday 24th November 2005:
Accidentally let slip to my co-workers that I was going to Ireland this evening. One of them asked if it was to "take advantage" of the UK's new 24 hour drinking laws. This was a reliably stupid question in a reliably stupid, pointless and unenjoyable work conversation. I just nodded and agreed as I always do this with any piece of retarded shit they come out with.
 
Over the years, I have noticed that people can't just GET OFF an aeroplane. They have to hang around in the aisle, faffing about, bumping into things and wondering what the hell is going on. I anticipated this and decided that as soon as the doors were open, I'd peg it to the back of the plane before anyone could get up. I'd look like a madman, but only in front of a bunch of pissants who I'll never see again. So I did this and was pleased with myself - Until they announced they weren't opening the back door. I had a back-up plan to violently drop my guts in the crowded cabin, but my arse failed me.
 
Saturday 26th November 2005:
Went up to Dublin for Agus's graduation. Click here to see a picture of Agus in his graduation cape while myself and Captain Research grin like a pair of hosers. I was going to write more about today, but then found out Agus had already done it on the latest instalment of his website, The Totally Agus Experience. Freshen!
 
Monday 28th November 2005:
Flew back to England this morning. On the plane, I bagged a seat four rows from the front. Unfortunately, it was near to some fucking child whose parents allowed him to scream like a retard for most of the flight. And there was some bumbling idiot in the aisle seat, so getting off still took about fifteen minutes. Then I found out that the baggage claim was unusually far from the plane, and had to wait for everyone else to board a coach. Bah!
 
Thursday 1st December 2005:
I have a cold so I called in sick this morning. It's World AIDS Day, so I hope no-one gets any funny ideas. This gave me a lot of free time to level-up my orc on World of Warcraft. Only half a level to go before I can buy a mount and wear plate armour! I trust this is very interesting to you because if it isn't, you can go fuck yourself. Last time I checked, this website was called Planet JERKY, not "Planet Fucking Blingwads", jeez!
 
Friday 2nd December 2005:
Took another day off. I was well enough to go in, but didn't for this reason: Fuck that! I've only been off sick once this this year and didn't even get paid for it. Sick pay is at the manager's discretion, so naturally everyone else gets paid for their mid-week hangovers and drug overdoses just because they have dysfunctional prole families and/or layabout "house husbands" to support.
 
Saturday 3rd December 2005:
Two days after World AIDS Day, it is now UK AIDS Day. I don't see why we can't just celebrate with the rest of the world. I know Oswald wasn't impressed, don't you people ever think about Oswald? Still on the subject of people with AIDS, Beardo seems to be living his life in an MMORPG, at least according to his MSN away-message. Though instead of playing World of Warcraft like all the cool dudes, he's running around in tight spandex on "City of Heroes". City of Blingwads more like! Oh man, did you see what I did there?
 
Tuesday 6th December 2005:
Somewhat fucking bizarrely, the anti-coffee bitch has decided to occupy the empty space next to mine, which until now I was enjoying as my extended desk! She "caught" me taking my jar of coffee out of the drawer and quipped "you thought I'd gone, hadn't you?" The truth is, her being away from the desk was a coincidence that hadn't even crossed my mind. So tomorrow I'm going to make several cups of ultra-strong coffee right in front of her because she is clearly deluded.
 
Friday 9th December 2005:
Today we put up Christmas decorations or "decks" in the office. They were arbitrarily slapped across the ceiling with no thought put into design, so they looked really shit. People tried to solve this problem the only way they know how: By bickering and whinging like fucking idiots. This is always painful to listen to, as are the insane conspiracy theories on how the other side of the office get the "good" decorations while we're "left with the crap". When prompted to "confirm" this by one idiot, I just nodded and said "yeah, I see what you mean" - Even though they're the exact same fucking decorations! Also today, "Pointz" informed me of a music gig he's playing this evening, with this to say about it:
 
Pointz: "I'm on my way to a gig in Southshield, Newcastle. I suppose that I'll have to get on the mic mid-set and ask for our hub caps back, fucking northern twats!"
 
Sunday 11th December 2005:
Read some bullshit about a guy who shot a sparrow, prompting a criminal investigation and massive outrage from the public. A website was created where thousands of people signed their condolences, and they even held a TV memorial - for a fucking sparrow. This proves that people are lunatics. I just hope that a least one of those animal fanatics took a look at what they were doing and perhaps considered it a little bit spasticated, even by their standards.
 
Monday 12th December 2005:
Some stupid cow at work has threatened to bring me a Christmas present on Friday, no doubt as part of a brilliant scheme to give her (and everyone else) an excuse to bitch and moan about how I didn't buy her anything in return. Whenever someone is foolish enough to buy her a present, she whinges about how terrible it is, and makes sure everyone knows how quickly she got rid of it. Then she accuses others of being "ungrateful for what they get" because she is hypocritical to the point of being insane.
 
Wednesday 14th December 2005:
Didn't have any work to do because the ugly, weird noise-emitting whore who's supposed to send my order forms to the warehouse didn't feel like doing her job. I couldn't be bothered complaining as she'd just drag me into a pointless verbal duel where I'll somehow come off as the villain. There's only one delivery per day, so I just placed another order and spent the rest of the afternoon doing fuck all, except inadvertently listening to coffee bitch ramble on about how she sympathises with baby snatchers. I have leave next week and cannot fucking wait.
 
Pointz: "I heard a rumour that 'orc points' are being replaced. You do realise this will have a knock on effect and probably spark off the Brixton riots again."
 
My informants have since told me this rumour is false. Orc points are here to stay, but on the 6th of January "they" plan to bring in a lower unit called the "porc oint". There'll be 30 porc oints to an orc point, meaning you could potentially rack-up points by scowling at windmills or wearing moderately-tight trousers in the long term. But is this necessarily a good thing? And "porc oints" is a really stupid name, they'll have to try harder than that.
 
There will be no comments this update as I'll be in Belgium for the next two weeks constructing a giant ladder. You are more than welcome to try signing the previous comments boxes, but they have all been deactivated. The one below links to a picture of an erect penis. Tata.

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© 2005 MR. JERKY