Golden Shovel of Justice
3rd July 2005
 
I don't usually take requests from my readers, but The Internet's Benneth INSISTED that I bring his perverted fantasies to life by creating this disgusting image of him getting sodomised in his patented "sex goggles". He practically held me at knifepoint.
 
In other news, a mysterious loser has been monging-up my phone with anonymous text messages. He seems desperate to verbally "get one over" on me, thinking this will somehow validate his worthless fucking existence.
 
His insults include such zingtastic gems as "ming mang momg". I suspect Gaq's Underling or someone of equal intellect. If you are responsible for all of this, or are Gaq's Underling, listen to these words.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Jimmy the Reach
 
PS: planetjerky.com is now "live". If you are a lawyer, please make yourself useful and tell me what my legal rights are, okay thanks.
 
 
Wednesday 15th June 2005:
Was still a bit drunk this morning from surpassing the drink "limit" that I set myself last night. I don't usually go out on weeknights, but my sister had just come over from Ireland and it'd be rude of me not to. After leaving the club, my beer-strangled mind thought it would be a good idea to lob traffic cones over a nearby bush. I was doing this when I heard someone yell at me to stop. I was approached by three men who I thought were police, but as they drew closer, I realised they were just cone-loving hosers in fluorescent yellow jackets. They walked past me without saying anything more. I'm disappointed because I thought I'd outgrown that sort of crap, but obviously not.
 
Thursday 16th June 2005:
Figured I'd take today and tomorrow off work as everyone knows it's my birthday on Friday and I don't want to bring cakes in, or have people ask me if I intend to bring cakes. There are valid reasons for this, but I don't see why I should bother trying to explain my motives ever.
 
And I keep seeing these trucks around town displaying anti-government slogans. Today, I saw one stating "The NHS is not free we've already paid!" in an incredibly smug-looking font. Thanks for the revelation, pal. I'm sure people will riot in the streets once they find out hospitals don't run themselves and medical staff aren't volunteer workers. Go back to Russia!
 
Friday 17th June 2005:
Oh hi! It was my 23rd birthday today, and myself and others went to a Chinese restaurant. Technically, we were celebrating some other guy's birthday, but at least I didn't have to spend the evening sitting around at home howling with despair or anything. I ate with chopsticks like a crazy motherfucker.
 
Monday 20th June 2005:
Came back from my four excellent days of freedom to a painfully hot office full of people moaning about redundancy. There was a redeployment meeting held by an American guy who looked vaguely like John "Hannibal" Smith from The A-Team. I'm not sure what they do in the office next to that particular meeting room, but every time I've been there, (twice) I've heard people playing trumpets next door. Perhaps it is the company's Trumpet Department. Most airlines have these.
 
Wednesday 22nd June 2005:
To celebrate the company's 21st birthday, we were given an extended lunch break to go look at Harley Davidson motorbikes or some crap. This did not appeal to me, so I just went home and sat in front of my electric fan for the best part of an hour. It was FANtastic!
 
There was also a barbecue and some grotesque display where men, desperate to prove they are "confident with their sexuality" dressed-up as air-hostesses and had their legs waxed in public. They also yelled things such as "Oh, haven't you ever seen a LADY before?!" I don't think people who partake in such things are necessarily gay, they're just fucking twats.
 
Thursday 23rd June 2005:
Was looking forward to a cool dip in the pool after work, somehow not realising that every shithead in town had exactly the same idea. And as soon the slow-moving cunt who swims down the middle of the lane with his eyes closed, constantly getting in everyone's way jumped in, I decided 15 minutes was enough and left.
 
Friday 24th June 2005:
Even people who aren't as cynical as myself or Becker are now beginning to realise just how pointless these redundancy meetings are. After an hour, there was nothing left to ramble on about and it was the start of teabreak, so most people decided to leave. One of the representatives got pissed off and later accused us of "walking out".
 
And to make things "more fair" for idiots/slackers, Recruitment have stressed that work statistics and appraisals will NOT be taken into consideration should we apply for new jobs within the company. Judgement will be based purely on our "performance" in the job interview. I really hope this is another lie because if it isn't, I'm fucked!
 
Saturday 25th June 2005:
Went to a local nightclub with some other humans last night. Instead of standing around by the bar looking bored and "moody", I decided make an eejit of myself by strutting about on the dance floor. It was a good laugh and at least I wasn't the fat lummox who tried to breakdance. At least I think he was trying to breakdance, he might have been having a heart attack. Afterwards, we got a lift home in a massive limousine, which was pretty awesome.
 
Wednesday 29th June 2005:
Started work on a "cover letter" that should help convince those dickheads in Recruitment that I'm qualified for some poxy fucking job that a chimpanzee could do. Though I find it difficult to write about "how great I am" in a non-ironic fashion. If it were a case of "how useless everyone else is", I wouldn't have a problem. I thought back to when I applied for my current job, which was at a time when I didn't know things about the real world. I wrote something along the lines of "I wish to apply for the position of Audit Clerk. Please find my enclosed CV". And that was it. I never thought about it again until just now. Good grief.
 
Thursday 30th June 2005:
Went to the pool again, glad that summer has disappeared and everything is back to normal. Cuntface was stll there, but that's no surprise because he's ALWAYS there, no matter what fucking day of the week I go. I think he might be employed by the pool as some kind of obstacle.
 
I'm going now.
 
© 2005 MR. JERKY