Back off you hoser!
22nd May 2005
 
Even though I despise you with every ounce of my being and would genuinely like to see you get murdered in the most horrific and painful manner possible, for reasons I have long since forgotten I welcome you once again to my Internet lair.
 
Recently, that "Dave" character has been reading Planet Jerky, getting pissed-up and then making obscene phonecalls to Mr Jerky in order to make himself look clever in front of all his little buddies.
 
As part of my non-violent counter measure, I feel justified in showing you this picture featuring the aforementioned Dave. Unless my demands are met, more will follow. Not that I made any demands, but OH WELL.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Dyler Turden
 
 
Monday 9th May 2005:
Somehow got my hands on something called "Family Guy - Live In Las Vegas". I was a bit surprised at just how rude it was, because I had no idea it was going to be. Click here and to see (hear) what I mean. It was very amusing though. And OH SHIT I forgot it was Europe Day yesterday. Again. I came so close to not forgetting this year, I really did.
 
Tuesday 10th May 2005:
Having a head full of hobo-esque hair can be a nuisance. Complete strangers no longer fear my shaved head, and so feel obligated to take diabolical liberties. Today, I was walking home from work (with hair in a less-crazy mode) when I heard a car horn beeping. I didn't see anyone else nearby, so I turned around, only to see some fucking hoser sitting in a parked car, GRINNING and WAVING at me. He must've been about fifty years old. I figured it was a case of mistaken identity, so carried on walking. He beeped me again, and this time he was giving me a THUMBS UP. I just scowled in disgust. I really don't need grief like that!
 
Wednesday 11th May 2005:
Started relocating some of my possessions before I finally make the big move into my new gaff at the weekend. This flat has been my home for just over two years now, and I have this odd feeling that I'm going to miss it. I also got a letter from the estate agent, complaining about the damp and mould they found during a second inspection that I did not authorise. And for some reason, the letter referred to me as "Mr McGovern", which is not even close to my actual name.
 
Friday 13th May 2005:
Had a go at scrubbing my flat, but didn't do a great job because I am a man and men were never meant to do work of this nature, just as women were never meant to skank-up the workplace with their needless gossiping/bickering/whinging/panicking/crying etc. I considered hiring a cleaner, but then didn't bother. If the estate agents don't like my effort, they can go suck a lemon. And then steal a bunch of money from my desposit, which they'll probably do anyway, the fucks.
 
Saturday 14th May 2005:
Finally wrapped everything up and moved into my new base of operations. I am now a "lodger", living in an actual house with stairs and a garden and everything. At this present moment I am HOME ALONE and the resident dog "Wes" has been following me everywhere and sobbing periodically. I think he wants me to acknowledge his existence or something, but that's not going to happen any time soon.
 
Sunday 15th May 2005:
Spent most of the day playing old PC games because I won't have Internet access until Thursday. Vest-enthusiast Mr Beardo sent me another text, boasting about how he's been having sex with his girlfriend. I wish he wouldn't do this because the mere thought of him engaging in such activity makes me want to vomit and renders me impotent for about a week.
 
Monday 16th May 2005:
An ATM machine asked me if I wanted an "advice slip". I usually select "no", but today I selected "yes" just to see what it had to offer. When I looked at the slip, it just had a bunch of information that I already knew, such as how much I'd taken out and what time it was. There wasn't any advice on it, not even bad advice like "step out in front of a car" or "drink your own piss".
 
Wednesday 18th May 2005:
I noticed a "Jaffaholics Anonymous" helpline number on the side of a box of Jaffa Cakes. I thought I was a big fan, but evidently there are people in the world who love JCs to a point where it actually destroys their lives. In other news, I take back what I said last Wednesday - I don't miss that overpriced dump at all! Strangley, it's only in retrospect that I realise just how much I hated living there.
 
Now please go away and leave me alone, I do not fraternise with homosexuals.
 
© 2005 MR. JERKY