I want to hit your face!
8th May 2005
 
And that's not even a joke. Good morning! The time has come for another episode of the world's most-exquisite website, Planet Jerky. In the news today:
 
Agus has ditched plans to update his fucking shit as he's suddenly decided that writing his dissertation is somehow more important. If we do get to see any TAE updates, it won't be for at least three of your earth weeks.
 
Immortal wine aficionado JON WINE has "fucking lost it". Click here. Reports indicate that thousands have already lost their lives in this bloody and violent rampage. Readers are advised to stay in their homes and be prepared to die.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Ed Winchester
 
 
Tuesday 26th April 2005:
At the last minute, someone at work decided to cancel the holiday she'd been planning for months for the following reason: She was worried about her sick cat. This sounds bizarre to me, but everyone else seemed very understanding of it. She is one of those types who seems to think that cats are little people, capable of actual thoughts and feelings. Here are two typical pieces of cat storyline bullshit that occurred in her imagination and nowhere else today:
 
My cat looked at me as if to say "Why are you being so nice to me?"
 
One cat looked at the other as if to say "What are YOU doing here?"
 
Wednesday 27th April 2005:
Some fools at work are in a comical state of constant panic, caused by rumours of possible lay-offs. Human Resources have put off their official announcement until next week, as they need more time to properly sugarcoat their answers. I'm actually quite stoic about the whole thing. I'll lose my free flights, but I never used them anyway. Also, all the old people who are past it, talk shit all day and inexplicably condescend to me have no chance of getting such an easy ride anywhere else, and they fucking know it.
 
Thursday 28th April 2005:
I watched that documentary where the guy conducts an experiment to prove that eating nothing but McDonalds and doing no exercise will make you unhealthy. Yeah, thanks for that. But no! This is actually good because it points the finger at corporations and the government for causing widespread obesity. This is easier and more popular than just accepting that most people today are irresponsible fuckwits who cannot be helped and would probably be better off dead. Despite what you want to believe, a corporation can't "force" you to eat anything. All they can do is present you with a choice, and YOU have chosen to eat shit. Nice one, fatty.
 
Friday 29th April 2005:
Here's something slightly odd: While my phone's T9 dictionary seems to have missed out real words such as "apostrophe" and "inefficacious" (not spelling errors, I rechecked several times due to my outrage) it does however contain non-dictionary words such as "Fidel" and "Castro". Nokia are probably communists of something. Muhh.
 
Sunday 1st May 2005:
Went out for a few drinks with Mr Beardo and some other people. At one point, a chav barged in and started monging the place up with proletarian chicanery, spouting comments such as "mi cok iz mazzifff!!!!1" and singing parody lyrics to jukebox songs, such as "I wanna hold your cock". He then continued to talk about his cock and very little else. Excellently, the venue had free pork pies for reasons I can't be bothered to explain. Chav-boy seized the opportunity to impress a lady by offering her a taste of his "pork pie". And by that, he meant his cock.
 
Tueday 3rd May 2005:
Audited plane tickets for a Mr Edward Winchester. I felt the need to text Beardo and Dave about this, as TV's fictional Ed Winchester and his catchphrase were considered (by us) to be the height of comedy at one point in 1995. Unfortunately, the travel agent thought it would be a good idea to use Cuba contracts when booking the tickets, even though Ed was actually going to Barbados and Antigua. The extra work I had to do as a result of this ruined my moment of Winchester-based comedy fun.
 
Friday 6th May 2005:
Heard that the HR department have pushed back their official "You're Fired" announcement until June, which hasn't helped the panicky idiot situation. I assume Branson himself will personally deliver the news, shortly before a hasty escape on his part. Also today, I saw a man in the canteen wearing a shirt with a large hammer and sickle symbol on the front. I'm pretty sure there was a time when wearing a communist flag or sticking your penis up another man's bottom for a cheap laugh would've earned you a smack in the mouth, but not these days.
 
Saturday 7th May 2005:
I suddenly had this notion that it might be a good idea to combine both tea and coffee in one cup to create a terrible hybrid that I would call "teacoffee". So I did exactly that. To my surprise, it didn't actually taste that bad. Later, Beardo claimed to have thought up this idea before, and had already named it "cofftea". My word is better, it just is.
 
It's over. Now take your business elsewhere.
 
© 2005 MR. JERKY