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Buy a new couch, you rich motherfucker 10th April 2005 Hello there, you filthy, disgusting homo. Stop putting your penis in other men's bumholes for one second and hear this: You are currently reading the latest update of a glorified blog that is called Planet Jerky. Oh yes. Planet Jerky is my property and I shall fill it with whatever the hell I want. Right now, I want to take a moment to express my fondness for pork pies. They are brilliant. Here is a pork pie I devoured earlier. It was exquisite, not that I ever doubted it would be. I love pork pies almost as much as I loathe your face. And another thing, make sure you behold the image featured at the top-left of this browser window. Take a mental note of this, for it will one day be your new flag. Then you'll be sorry. Just you fucking wait. Mr Jerky AKA Shady Beanz 
Saturday 26th March 2005:
For some fucking reason, I thought it would be a good idea to check in two hours early for my 5:30pm flight to Ireland. Not only did I not realise that this was a daft thing to do, but I later discovered that my flight was delayed until 7:25pm. Looking for ways to kill time, I asked some help-desk loser for a explanation behind the delay. He seemed utterly baffled as to why I'd even want to know such a thing, and wouldn't tell me anything more than it was "just delayed". He shook me off by picking up his phone mid-conversation, and I couldn't be bothered waiting for him to finish. The pilot later announced that it was because of fog in Dublin. Sunday 27th March 2005: Merry Easter, you fucking guy! This afternoon, I had a go at riding "Elvis", my sister's pet pony who actually thinks he's Elvis or something. Click here for video footage. My father decided to shake things up by taking a swipe at the beast with a whip, and the little jig I did was part of a badly thought-out plan to draw attention away from the hilarity that ensued. The groovin' music serves to drown out my mother, ranting on about how Elvis can supposedly tell that I'm a novice. This is rubbish because horses are just idiots who don't know shit. Tuesday 29th March 2005: Since arriving at my family's gaff, I've been playing a lot of Half Life 2 on Agus's new PC. My mother left a chicken out to defrost in the kitchen and for a second, I thought it was a headcrab. Also, I watched a new episode of "Becker", only to find out that they've re-written him as a total bozo. Oh well. Thursday 31st March 2005: Went to Dublin with that Agus guy. We decided to visit Dublin's only tourist attraction, the Guinbess Storehouse. It wasn't that interesting, but we didn't expect it to be. It was mainly a bunch of stuff about barley, water, yeast and "hops", all presented as if they were really amazing. At least we both a got complimentary pint of guinbess in the "Gravity Bar" at the end of it. Now click here to see a picture of me posing outside the brewery. I tried to organise a piss-up, but I couldn't get over the massive gate. Oh, do you see what I did there? Friday 1st April 2005: Awoke in Agus's flat with one of the worst hangovers of my life. Last night, we drank shitloads of Dutch Gold and then went out for more booze with a bunch of his spud-guzzling cronies. At the pub, there was this one guy whose surname was "Boner", which was a source of great mirth to me. It was all quite entertaining from what I remember, but today I just wanted to die! Saturday 2nd April 2005: Unfortunately, the time has come for me to return to Crawley. On the plane, I sat in a seat behind a small child who spent the entire flight screaming his lungs out like some sort of retard. I should have seen it coming and sat elsewhere. His stupid whore of a mother appeared to be trying to "hug" him better, which is crap parenting in my opinion. It merely encourages him to be a complete fucking mong. But it wasn't all bad. When I got home, I was greeted at the doorstep by a box of beef jerky I had ordered nearly four weeks ago! I was pleased to see it. Monday 4th April 2005: Returned to the arduous task of going to work and making bucks. I noticed that while I was away, someone has put up a number of company posters, featuring seemingly-irrelevant slogans such as "We are all born EQUAL". That's just great. I leave the office for one week and the commies come marching in. Tuesday 5th April 2005: Received some gmail that had been sent to me by accident by a chum's ex-girlfriend/girlfriend (?) which was actually intended for said chum. Fortunately, nothing too personal was revealed, but I was subjected to lines such as "gotta go shit now" and "gotta go now turtleing". Lovely. Wednesday 6th April 2005: One of cronies, a fellow called Dave (not to be confused with the guestbook terrorist "davedude") reckons he should be the new Pope, following the recent passing of John Paul II. And I think he makes a good case. In order to aid his promotion, I have posted a text message he sent me this afternoon. Shut up and read: "I'd like to remind people that I have a great hair cut and pale complexion, so vote DAVE KENNEDY FOR POPE! I'll get richer and I won't feel guilty about it either." Those crazy cardinals had better be listening. Saturday 9th April 2005: Now here's a gripe: Today, I accidentally called a wrong number and got connected to some loser who needlessly wasted 30 seconds of my life by being a retard, faffing about like I've got all fucking day. This whole attitude of people just pisses me off. In order to educate you, I've made a transcript from memory and compared it to a typical misdialled call made to me. My handling of the situation is much better for all parties concerned.
Click here and then piss off elsewhere. You're making the place look untidy. © 2005 MR. JERKY |
