Deck the halls
21st December 2004
 
Hey there Mr Hinduist, Merry fucking Christmas! Shut up and welcome to an extra-festive edition of Planet Jerky. I'm so overwhelmed by Christmas spirit that I'd probably buy you a present if I didn't hate you so much.
 
Instead, I'd far rather set fire to your house and do nothing while your family and loved-ones all burned to death. It would serve them right for being in any way affiliated with a retard like you.
 
Now click here to see something I ate this morning. It's a fucking bollard! I ate that! You cunt!
 
Mr Jerky AKA Festive John
 
 
Sunday 28th November 2004:
Heinz have decided to promote illiteracy by misspelling "beans" with a Z. How long has this been going on for anyway? On a subconscious level, I've known about it for a while, but my brain only fully took note today.
 
Monday 29th November 2004:
The company I work for have suggested that we all donate one hour's pay to help "the fight against HIV and AIDS". Personally, I think this is a stupid idea. If anything, the world needs MORE diseases that punish unsavoury behaviour. Anyway, here is an excellent text message I got from that Dave guy:
 
"It was the scotch egg that got me, that bastard had VCs strung up by their necks and fed to the pigeons. He even left breadcrumbs up the arse of one of them."
 
Tuesday 30th November 2004:
Mr Beardo sent me an MMS message featuring the £100 cash he owes me. He says he'll give it back at the weekend, but just in case he accidentally spends it before then, I responded with a picture that I felt compelled to take at work earlier.
 
Thursday 2nd December 2004:
I awoke to find that someone had sent this picture message to my email address (not gmail, tsk) from an unknown telephone number. I have no idea who could've done such a thing.
 
Sunday 5th December 2004:
Last night, Beardo finally coughed-up the money he owed me. "I said I'd pay you back, but I didn't say when!" he quipped upon doing so. He actually promised to pay me in two weeks, but I don't care. It's cool. So I went with him and some other cronies to a skanky club. It was quite fun, though I'd been drinking with Dave at The 'Dog beforehand and was pretty drunk by the end of it. I vaguely recall screaming "FAPPO!" in the streets afterwards. I'm not sure if this was my own idea or if Beardo had suggested it or if I just dreamt the whole thing. Fucking booze. I take that back. I love it really.
 
Tuesday 7th December 2004:
A pretty slow day. Click on this link to see an "MPD" that amused me this afternoon. The guy has a pretty unfortunate surname. I actually had to restrain myself from giggling out loud because I think the word "boner" is really funny! Hahaha!
 
Friday 10th December 2004:
The funny-eyed Scotchman downstairs has either moved out or suddenly gained the audacity to to listen to unnecessarily loud television on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings. It's mildly irritating, but I find stomping around on the floor seems to shut him up - For about 5 minutes! Then he tries to gradually sneak the volume back up again. What a jerk.
 
Tuesday 14th December 2004:
Came home to find a parcel on my doorstep. The odd thing was, the delivery chimp tried to "hide" the parcel under my doormat. I'm not bothered, but y'know... what?
 
Friday 17th December 2004:
Decided to ditch work because I'd rather hang out with a lady companion I've known for quite a while now. She spent practically all day "snuggling" me whilst I sat and drank beer because I'm tough and manly. Though not content with making me grow my head hair, she's now suggesting I do outrageous things like wax my chest and use "moisturiser" on my hands. I could try to resist, but she'll just manipulate me. The good thing is, I won't actually care. Also today, I heard that Mr Beardo has gone missing and nobody knows where he is. Hope he hasn't done anything too drastic, now that I think about it, he was on a bit of an MC Hammer-binge last night.
 
Saturday 18th December 2004:
Got up early to do my Christmas shopping. I've not been up before 3pm on a Saturday in months, so the whole thing was not unlike certain observations made by the Otara Millionaire’s Club, in the sense that it was quite bizarre. And I've just realised, that was yet another great MP3 inexplicably deleted from my hard drive by Agus. What did that guy think he was playing at? In other news, Mr Beardo is alive and well.
 
By the time you read this I will probably be, as this man once did, driving (flying) home for Christmas. So I guess you can go fuck yourselves until I can be bothered writing another update.
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY