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NEW STUFF OLD STUFF
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Must... crush... newspaper!
28th November 2004 Hello there, you fucking loser. Welcome to the latest edition of Planet Jerky, featuring none other than me - The Internet's Mr Jerky! Please note that if you have some kind of problem with this update, you can just go and get bent or something. I don't actually care because I hate you and if you died, I'd probably laugh. In fact, when you die I'm going to personally dig up your corpse, piss and shit all over it, rebury it upside-down and then breakdance on your grave. Awesome! Mr Jerky AKA Mr H.T. Bricks 
Tuesday 16th November 2004:
For some fucking reason, my desk at work is near a bunch of middle-aged women who like to do what middle-aged women do best: Talk a load of shit. They spout any old useless bollocks purely for the sake of talking and I have to listen to it all fucking day. They recently added a new one and now it's causing me so much anguish that it borders on actual physical pain. I try my best to block it out so as to avoid permanent brain damage but it's difficult. I wish I was deaf. Wednesday 17th November 2004: Today, one deeply stupid woman started organising the office "Secret Santa" thing. I won't be taking part because it's a fucking joke. Last year, people dug the wrapping paper out of the bins to examine the handwriting on each present. It was sickening. Also, everyone seems to think you need an even number of people to make Secret Santa work. They work in ACCOUNTS for crying out loud. They should have a better understanding of numbers than this. Thursday 18th November 2004: I think the people upstairs are trying to drive me nuts by blowing into the nozzle of a large bottle-jug at random intervals. Well at least that's what it sounds like. It's a bit like a really shit hoedown. I'd go up there and ask them to give the massive jug a rest, but that would be a bit dumb. Also, I really don't need more stupid cunts knowing I exist. Friday 19th November 2004: I saw that Branson guy in the flesh today. He walked into the office and was all "oh hi" and I was like "holy crap!" He strolled through, greeting people while I sat there gawping. Though no-one else was that bothered as they'd already met him at work parties and such. Monday 22nd November 2004: Believe it or not, I'm sometimes annoyed by things at work. This is one of those things. I had to input someone else's pre-audited work today and for a grown adult to write like this is unacceptable. Not only did I have to look at it, but most of the calculations were done in an equally mindless fashion. And because of the writing's childishly large size, I had to use about a gallon of tipex to fix it. Lately, I've been venting a small amount of my rage by yelling at asians who keep calling me, asking for someone who doesn't even live here. Man, I hate those guys! Thursday 25th November 2004: I find myself auditing a lot of plane tickets flown on by someone called "HM Queensmessenger". My theory is that he's some guy, hired by the queen to fly around the world delivering messages as she is far too posh to use gmail like the rest of us. HM Queensmessenger has been known to buy several first class seats just for his baggage. Nice to see our dollars being put to good use! Though this isn't nearly as bad as the government's plan to piss away £300m on hammering the fact that AIDS exists into the heads of people who somehow don't already know this incredibly well-documented piece of information. If they just left the dirty fuckers to die, it would create a lot more awareness without wasting all that lovely money. Saturday 27th November 2004: Ever since I moved here, I have often heard mysterious whistling noises coming from an unknown location in my living quarters, usually at night. I've been listening out with my ears and have tracked the source of the sound to somewhere inside this green circle. This post blows but what are YOU going to do about it? Come over to my house and start hurling geeza rap at me? Fuck off! Planet Jerky complete! © 2004 MR. JERKY |
