Fucking hat revisited
13th November 2004
 
Good afternoon, you lousy faggot. I've recently heard that a new version of "Firefox" has just been released. But let me tell you this: Firefox is shit and it will ruin your life. If you are currently accessing this site using Firefox, you are now my number one enemy!
 
Please do the world a favour and delete it now. If you have the time, burn the software onto a CD, then shit on the CD and hurl it at a fucking tramp. Then cut your own balls off and look at this picture of your hero, you fucking cunt.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Brutus Gold
 
 
Monday 1st November 2004:
There are two blokes at work who look a bit similar and I had always assumed they were the same person until today. I was surprised to see them both monging-it-up in the kitchen at the same time. I had to speak to one of them the other day and he acted all "wacky" at me. He thinks he's The Mask, but he's just a cunt. Click here to see an event that has probably occurred in his life.
 
Tuesday 2nd November 2004:
A lot of people have been talking about the US election as if they don't realise their opinions are just as worthless as any other aspect of their pathetic lives. Personally, I want Bush to win just because it would piss everyone off. Then I could just sit here laughing and eating some tasty beef jerky. Still on the subject of politics, check out the latest episode of Mayor Tilton by Captain Research.
 
Thursday 4th November 2004:
I'd like to take a moment to say that beef jerky is really great and if you disagree, you are wrong. All I want to do is eat beef jerky. I would commit genocide to get my hands on it. I'd almost go as far to say that I'm like Rod Hull with jelly, Christopher Walken with hot dogs, Oswald with gold or that cunt off those annoying radio adverts with bathroom tiles. But I need to find a cheaper supply of it. Readers have informed me of shops that stock it, but unfortunately, none of those shops are in my area. At the moment I have to pay £3.50 per 100g bag from The Internet and that's not cool, Dave.
 
Friday 5th November 2004:
Judging from the noise outside, the neighbours are either shooting each other again or celebrating the torture and execution of some "evil" guy who, get this: Rebelled against the government in 1605 because he wanted the freedom to practise a religion that WASN'T invented just so a fat ginger man could bone a lot of ladies. I think there's a lesson in this story, but not a very good one.
 
No bonfire parties for me though. I stayed at home and watched The Simpsons which is back on my TV screen at long last. Though I made sure not to watch The Simpsons-based "quiz show" that was on afterwards because it would no doubt be a horrible farce with panels of D-list celebs who don't even watch The Simpsons and pronounce "Ned FLARNDERS" in an incredibly arrogant fashion. Unlike rape, it would not be a laughing matter. Fun fact: The Simpsons features Lenny who is excellent.
 
Wednesday 10th November 2004:
The company I work for made us sit an "E-learning" program as part of their latest attempt to hammer common sense into its employees. It's just an elaborate yet sadly necessary disclaimer for their drugs and alcohol policy. In these crazy times, some people still need to be reminded that drink impares your ability to work, drugs are illegal and MZ is at uni. However, looking at pictures whilst having obvious/pointless information thrown at you for an hour is better than doing actual work.
 
Thursday 11th November 2004:
I was shocked to hear the news that Internet vinophile Jon Wine was found dead in his wine cellar early this morning. Police suspect he committed suicide after Jon Wine Day was forgotten for the third year running, despite his numerous reminders for people to "be there". Oh Jon! You asked so little. We could have prevented your death, but we didn't actually give a fuck. That's kind-of why we ignored your cries for help and made your life a misery in the first place. But I'll never forget the good times we had annoying skanks in chatrooms, those pizzas I ordered in your name or the time you took the fall when the police caught me pissing in that phonebox. Rest in peace, JW.
 
Friday 12th November 2004:
I spent about ten minutes trying to work out the gender of a supermarket checkout monkey this afternoon. Now usually when I gawp at seemingly genderless person for this long, the clues start to add up. But in this case, the results were inconclusive. His/her nametag read "T.J" but I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean!
 
Next week: Anal!
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY