Planet Jerky

Cops stole my brain, please help
24th October 2004

Hello and welcome! My name is Mr Jerky and what follows can be best described as my "fucking shit". Regular viewers might be under the impression that I've not been "updating" my "fucking shit" as often as I used to.

However, nothing could be further from the truth. Planet Jerky is being updated as often as ever. There is no concrete evidence to support these claims and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and an idiot and talking out of their arse.

Now click here to see some classic video footage of that reprehensible "Mr Beardo" character from the space year 2000.

Mr Jerky AKA Mr R. Dollars

Oh look, it's that guy from 'Down Periscope'.

Sunday 10th October 2004:
I used TV's famous The Internet to download that Bigley beheading video this morning. Before his death, he cussed Tony Blair for not obeying his orders, then argued in favour of the people who were about to KILL him. It's funny how him and his prole family think that they're an authority on solving the world's problems. He even asked the British people to rise-up and fight for the freedom of the Iraqi prisoners. He thought he was some kind of great new communist leader, but no-one gives a shit! Hahaha!

Wednesday 13th October 2004:
Since The Internet has been confiscated at work, everyone is talking about getting broadband at home. The only problem is, not one of them has a fucking clue of what they're talking about. The only person who actually has broadband Internet or any basic knowledge of it is me, yet I'm the only one who hasn't been asked for advice on the subject. I'm just going to just sit here and let them wallow in their own ignorance.

Saturday 16th October 2004:
I went out this evening to buy some milk to make a cup of tea. I ended up buying beer as I cannot last for one month without it. On the way home, I was held up at the train crossing for ten minutes. During this time, I had to listen to a posse of drunken sluts screaming and cussing at each other for seemingly no reason other than them being idiots.

After a few drinks, I thought it would be really funny to look at camwhores. I entered the chatroom to find it full of creepy losers making non-whore related conversation at the girl, giving her worthless compliments and acting like they shared some emotional bond with her. She responded by looking bored and occasionally typing "BUY PVT SHOW LOL". So I said "Get your tits out". Suddenly, everyone leapt to her defence and started hurling abuse at me in a pathetic and sickening attempt to impress her or something. Also, the chatroom was full of weirdos begging to see her feet. Anyone capable of deriving arousal from looking at a woman's foot is a fucking retard.

Monday 18th October 2004:
I was queuing up to buy lunch when some gimpy foreigner scuttled up and stole a place right in front of me. I was gobsmacked by his audacity. I really wanted to have a word with the little fucker, but NO. If a perceived skinhead gets into an argument with a five-foot-nothing pencil-necked ethnic type, who's going to come off as the villain? I said nothing. I tried to give him an evil glare when he was facing my way, but his eyes were fixed on the ground.

Wednesday 20th October 2004:
Today, the obnoxious geebags on the "West Side" of the office (they actually call it that) were cackling a lot more than usual. They like to emit horrible, blood-curdling cackles without warning and it makes my skin crawl. I've good reason to believe this is because they spend all day sending each other pictures of cocks via email.

Friday 22nd October 2004:
Some stupid bitch at work got an email from a mystery address stating something along the lines of "Your computer has a VIRUS! Open this attachment to fix it!" Of course, this prompted her and others to start running around, screaming and panicking like idiots. I got fed up of listening to this, so I intervened. I told her to ignore the attachment and delete the email. However, every time I butt in like this, I'm just wasting my breath. She didn't take my advice and more confused wailing followed. She eventually called the IT department who (as always) gave her the exact same instructions that I did. She then repeated these instructions back at me, as if they were something I didn't already know.

Later, I had to endure another finance meeting hosted by some guy who probably wasn't called Captain Finance. These things basically involve him pointing at a bunch of graphs and talking about them for an hour. I was sitting at the back and accidentally nodded-off during it. Someone hilariously said "Enjoy your sleep?" to me afterwards. Idiot.

Saturday 23rd October 2004:
Got a letter complaining about how someone in the building has left a small sofa next to the bins. The binmen are apparently too good to move sofas and the bins will not be emptied until someone moves it out of the way. Also, they used the word "plonker" in the letter.

Thanks for reading!