I sentence you to kiss my ass
23rd September 2004
 
I recently downloaded that "Firefox" Internet browser to see what all the fuss was about. I used it to look at Planet Jerky and was horrified at what I saw. The layout was all wrong, the scroll bars were messed up and the and the picture captions didn't even work.
 
I actually spent a few hours altering all of my pages to look less retarded for you worthless fucks. Why did no-one tell me about this earlier? You're all useless and I hate you more than you'll ever be able to understand.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Morph N. Tyme
 
 
Sunday 12th September 2004:
Today I noticed a toothbrush lying on my couch. I don't know where it came from or why I didn't notice it until now. I didn't put it there and no-one else has been in my flat for over a month. I don't get it. At least if it was a new toothbrush I could take it as an anonymous criticism of my oral hygiene. I suspect that my arch-neighbour ERMAC GEARSTAIRS planted it there to make me think I'm insane. He knows I know about his stairs...
 
Monday 13th September 2004:
Overheard a deeply stupid conversation between two women in the work kitchen. At one point, one of them bragged about how she chatted-up a "gorgeous binman". Crawley birds like to aim high, you see. But seriously, something has to be wrong when women are out chasing the fucking binmen.
 
Later, I packed my things and got ready to go to the airport. I've taken some time off work to visit my family in Ireland. But knowing my luck, someone from the agency I rent from will feel the need to pay a surprise visit while I'm away, for whatever reason. If I'm not around, they'll just let themselves in, so I have left a note in case they do. I didn't have any blu-tak.
 
I was greeted at Dublin airport by star of Totally Agus, TELEPORT AGUS. I didn't recognise him at first because he has finally had a haircut. My other two brothers however, are still a pair of hairy lummoxes. Champion of Science, CAPTAIN RESEARCH has shaved off the massive sideburns he conceals beneath his hair, but they'll be back soon enough.
 
Wednesday 15th September 2004:
Today, that Research guy got his Junior Cert (Irish GCSE) results. He did well in all subjects and scored himself five honours-level As (top marks), which is three more than I got. He even got a good grade in Irish, confirming our suspicions that he was LYING when he claimed he couldn't speak that crazy moon language. Nevertheless, good show.
 
Thursday 16th September 2004:
I went to Dublin with that Agus guy. He had to sort out a few things, such as accommodation for when he goes back to university on Monday. Luckily, he managed to find a decent room, much bigger than last year's but only an extra ten euros per month. Afterwards, we went to a pub for a few drinks with some of his student cronies. I wasn't drunk, but I think I may have advocated gmail a little more than I should have.
 
Saturday 18th September 2004:
For some reason, my brothers and I were hanging around a megalithic tomb. The tomb entrance has a metal door which is usually locked, but today it wasn't. We had a look inside and to our surprise, there was a Dutch guy sitting inside. We decided leave him alone and wait for him to finish what he was doing. We waited for quite a while, but he didn't come out. We got bored and left. Perhaps we should have tried tempting him out with some of this goldriffic beer we drank later. There isn't a Dutchman alive who can resist the taste of Dutch Gold. Buy some today!
 
Monday 20th September 2004:
Arrived back in England this morning. I seem to have contracted a horrible disease from other plane passengers. I suddenly have a sore throat, a headache and my nose is running. I feel like shit. I have work tomorrow as well. Fucking plane passengers. Also today, I heard that some IRC folk thought I was being serious when I made the following off-the-cuff remark last week. I found this hard to believe.
 
<mark> Jercules Goirot, eh?
<Jerky> OH THAT IS IT
<Jerky> I AM GOING NOW AND I AM NOT COMING BACK EVER
<Jerky> AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME
<Gaq> !!
<Jerky> GOODBYE
* Jerky has quit IRC (Quit: )
 
Tuesday 21st September 2004:
My illness has got worse over night and there was no way I could go to work today. I think I'm going to get sick pay though, which is good because I like money. Anyway, click here to see "The Sims 2 Bubblegun House Project". It's run by Spiff and features myself, Oswald, Gaq and Al. The one on the far left is supposed to be me. I look like a massive fag with AIDS or something.
 
Thursday 23rd September 2004:
Some lousy fuck must have realised that I still had Internet access at work (see 02/09/04) because it was disconnected today. This is a fucking outrage. Now what am I supposed to do? As of today, there is absolutley NOTHING that gives me any slight hint of enjoyment at work. Thanks a lot, shitheads.
 
Later, I went to the swimming pool. Some fucking faggot pretty-boy kept looking at me funny and trying to "race" me - Even though I was just swimming at a leisurely pace and minding my own business! He overtook me a couple of times (with a lot of audible struggling) and when he did this, he looked back with a undeserved smug expression on his face. I wanted to punch him in the mouth and tell him to quit being weird.
 
On the way home, I was shocked when that crazy old woman (10/09/04) suddenly barged round a corner, screaming her lungs out. She didn't attack me though, she was too busy yelling at some invisible person who wasn't even there. I tried to listen to what she was saying, but I couldn't understand a word of it. Then a bird shat on me. The shit narrowly missed my head and splattered all over my shoe, so it could've been a lot worse I suppose.
 
Planet Jerky is over. Now excuse me while I kill the sky!
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY