Deck the planet
28th April 2004
 
I've got some new stuff for you in this update and the new stuff is mainly this: A nifty new sound effect. If you cannot hear it, it is the fault of your computer and not me. If you find it too annoying, that is because you are an idiot. Complain to me about either of these things and the right-hand picture shall become a terrifying reality.
 
As Internet donut-fiend "mark" once said to another man: "giev mi ur cok". He did, he really did. Of course, this has no actual relevance to anything that I have just said.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Archbishop Leaflet
 
 
Saturday 17th April 2004:
Cleaned my flat from top to bottom in preparation for this Wednesday's flat inspection. The job was made significantly easier due to Agus's enigmatic scrubbing of my bathroom the other day. My flat is now super-clean. As a reward for my good work, I put my feet up and treated myself to a few icy-cold beers. I am in an inexplicably good mood today and to prove it, here is a preposterously-bright picture of me grinning like an imbecile. Things don't get better than this and if they do, Mr Jerky doesn't want to hear about it!
 
Monday 19th April 2004:
Today, I heard that "they" want to introduce airport-style metal detectors to local schools in order to prevent children from bringing weapons to class. This is a rubbish idea and I have a much better one: Castrate people who are incapable of teaching proper discipline and morals to their children, ie: Chavs. This plan would also solve a number of other social problems, such as crime and unemployment. Jobs such as shelf-stacking, floor mopping etc can be done by robots and/or chimpanzees.
 
Tuesday 20th April 2004:
Saw some cunt driving what appeared to be KITT, the homosexual talking car from TV's Knight Rider. It was an exactly replica of the car, right down to the red flashing lights and a number-plate that read "KNIGHT". However, the driver was not David Hasselhoff. He didn't even have poofy hair.
 
The agency (who are coming to inspect my gaff tomorrow) are fucking me about. I want them to come round AFTER I finish work, but I just can't get through to them on the phone. I got through once and left a message with some chump who said she'd get someone to call back... But she didn't! This means they will conduct the inspection while I'm out. I could take a day off work to guard my flat with a baseball bat, but then I'd lose a day's pay and get a 5 day overtime ban (company policy). Bah. So I've just-this-minute scrawled note to leave out, asking them to go away and come back later. However, I signed it "Mr Jerky" so I'll have to write another one. Damn.
 
Wednesday 21st April 2004:
The inspector person came round after I had finished work. She spent about two minutes just looking for "holes" and "mould". I bet the silly bitch actually did the full-inspection earlier, then came round for the two minutes just to shut me up. In other news, I remembered what that "urine free" thing (16/04/04) was about. It was something about how Luke always pisses on the toilet seat.
 
Thursday 22nd April 2004:
When I go to the swimming pool, there is always one inconsiderate, pot-bellied cunt who thinks it's a good idea to splash like a retard when he passes me in the swimming lane. Today, there was a whole posse of moronic youths (I say "youths" though they were about my age) doing the same thing. All going "OMG LOL I GO FAST SPLASH SPLAHS ZOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!11" like stupid twats. They spent most of the time loitering and messing about in the lane like it was some sort of fucking-idiot social club.
 
Friday 23rd April 2004:
Over the last couple of weeks, I've been listening to my mobile phone's built-in radio while walking to and from places - Just to see what it has to offer me. I have decided not to do this any more because radio is utter shite and fills me with nothing but rage. The "hilarious" banter between two presenters caused me to accidentally snap "SHUT THE FUCK UP" while out in the street today. Luckily, no-one was around to hear it. And anyone involved in the production of radio advertisements deserves to be shot. They're all awful, especially those ones for Crunchy Nut Cornflakes where the people talk with their mouths full. Who thought THAT would be a good idea? That's not a good idea, that's just fucking disgusting.
 
Other adverts I hate are the ones that use crappy innuendos to sell their product somehow. Not necessarily because they're rude, but because they're just so fucking lame and not entertaining in the slightest. Here is a transcript of the average commoner's inner monologue after hearing a sexual innuendo (After being translated into proper English):
 
"Oh my God! This seemingly innocent dialogue could be interpreted as a conversation about SEX!! I am REALLY CLEVER for realising this. I will now throw my head back and laugh out loud because innuendoes are the cleverest and somehow funniest type of joke IN THE WORLD.
 
However, Mr Jerky did not laugh out loud. This must be because he did not understand the joke. I feel that I must explain to Mr Jerky that the innocent dialogue is actually a conversation about SEX!! I do this to show people just how damn clever I think I am and also because I love the sound of my own fucking voice."
 
Saturday 24th April 2004:
Woke up with a pounding headache. This was probably something to do with the beer I drank last night. I constructed a small pyramid out of the empty cans, but it was later deconstructed. I spent the rest of my day sitting on my arse and talking to such wacky characters as Internet gold-bandit "Oswald". That Oswald (or "Super Benjamin" as he sometimes calls himself) could do with a few lessons on how to stop being such a fucking guy all the time.
 
Sunday 25th April 2004:
Tried to connect to the Internet, but discovered I had used up my 150 hours for this month and won't be able to access it until the 28th. So what the fuck am I supposed to do for the next three days?! I went for an aimless stroll in the park to kill some time until Wednesday. I had overlooked the fact that a combination of good weather and a Sunday afternoon meant the place was flooded with filthy human beings. However, I did find a nice quiet area to sit down for a bit and it was quite pleasant.
 
Monday 26th April 2004:
I'm bored without my Internet. I could really do with a game of Unreal Tournament, but unfortunately my CD was "accidentally" stolen by some punk (who owned a copy of it anyway) nearly a year ago. And knowing him, it's probably lost by now. And I'm far too stubborn to buy a new one.
 
Tuesday 27th April 2004:
I don't moan about my job nearly as much as I should, so I will moan about it now. Work today was shit. A lot of travel agents seem to feel that they don't have to do their jobs properly and take note of what contracts they've used. I mean, why type a few numbers when Mr Jerky could just spend all day trawling through hundreds of contracts, trying to GUESS which ones you've used? Why don't you just do a whole load of other stuff wrong, so I can drive myself mad trying to fix it for you? Oh wait... you do that already! Don't worry fellers, it's only my soul you're crushing.
 
Before I go, I'd just like to mention that some people have accused me of drawing Oswald "too much". These people are clearly idiots and to those idiots I say this. I'm off to go get-down on the roof. See you next time on Planet Oswald! And by that I mean Planet Jerky.
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY