Third prize is you're fired
17th April 2004
 
Hello and welcome to the latest installment of Planet Jerky: The Official website of the famous Mr Jerky and your number one source for Jerky-related propaganda on The Internet!
 
But of course, all this writing is just mindless filler because I have nothing of actual relevance to say in these introductory paragraphs. I may have something next week, though!
 
But for now, you can check out this picture what I drawed all by myself the other day. You can trust me when I tell you it's a chilling vision of things to come!
 
Mr Jerky AKA Rory O'Nothing!
 
 
Tuesday 6th April 2004:
Today was my last day of work until Thursday next week. I booked some time off for Easter. Some people at work made snide comments about me leaving two days before the monthly work deadline, while we are behind. They hinted that I should stay and help DESPITE the fact that I did 20 hours overtime this month and have not taken any holiday this year. Also, I booked the time off before I knew there would be a big rush. Those people can just get stuffed!
 
Wednesday 7th April 2004:
Somewhat excellently, my hairy brothers from Ireland (pictured in this incredibly gay-looking photograph) have come to England for the Easter holidays. Agus will be staying at Gaff Jerky for the next week while Captain Research and Luke will be staying mainly at my aunt's house.
 
Thursday 8th April 2004:
The Research, Luke and my cousin "Ashman" came to visit my gaff this afternoon. While they were here, some fucking idiot from the agency I rent from came round to conduct a surprise flat inspection. It was a bloody good job I was at home to tell her to go away because I was completely unprepared for it. Also today, Luke kept ranting about a "giant cookie" for some reason. This is what I think of your fucking cookie, Luke!
 
Friday 9th April 2004:
I received another bunch of forms from those SOBs at the Inland fucking Revenue - Even though I am NOT self-employed and I do not NEED these forms. I thought this shit had been sorted-out, but apparently not. Fucking idiots.
 
Saturday 10th April 2004:
Today, Agus and I played THE HOUR OF POWER: A drinking game where participants must drink one shot of beer every minute for an entire hour. This works out as six cans in sixty minutes. However, after thirty minutes and three cans, Agus started to feel sick so he stopped. Thus I win.
 
Sunday 11th April 2004:
Easter, eh? All my bros stayed overnight at the Gaff of Jerky. I ate two chocolate eggs today, despite the fact that I don't like chocolate that much. In fact, more than a small amount makes me feel a bit sick. It's weird, because I couldn't get enough of the stuff as a child.
 
Tuesday 13th April 2004:
This morning, Agus went out to meet one of his Crawley-dwelling chums. He left before I got out of bed, and I awoke to find that he had put a picture of The Chuckle Brothers on my computer desktop. This was almost as bad as the picture of kid's TV presenter "Ortis" he left for me the other day.
 
While he was out, I got bored and sent an email to the creator of an incredibly-bizarre website entitled "Nick's I Love Gold Songs", asking if he was "Dutch or something". He responded with "No scottish". Hmm.
 
Wednesday 14th April 2004:
Agus, Research and Luke returned to Ireland today, but I shall look on the bright side: At least my shaving patterns will return to normal as Agus's presence seems to greatly accelerate my beard growth for some reason. This is also the last day of my holiday - I have to go back to fucking work tomorrow.
 
Thursday 15th April 2004:
Yesterday, I saw some guy wearing one of those "alice band" things. Today, some "heterosexual" guy came into work with one, and it wasn't even for a joke. All I can say to this: Stop it! Stop it right now! Alice bands are for women, you fucking transvestites. Stop gradually ruining the world, you oblivious cunts.
 
Later, I put some tasty Cornish pasties in the oven for my dinner. I switched it on and waited for twenty minutes. Little did I realise, Agus had set the heat back to zero degrees when I usually just leave it at 220 degrees all the time. The pasties were just sitting in the oven, not cooking. I screamed for about a minute when I realised. I had just done an hour's swim and I was starving. Fucking Agus!
 
Friday 16th April 2004:
Earlier today, I made a note of something interesting to write about in this journal once I got a chance. However, all I wrote was "urine free". I have absolutely no fucking idea what this is supposed to mean. I have been racking my brains over it for quite a while now. Did someone erase my memory MiB-style or something?
 
That is all. I'm off to go rub various leaflets against my groin and moan spookily. I will then venture to Essex and distribute said leaflets to school children. And I don't care what he says, that pesky "Gaq" character is powerless to stop me!
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY