I sense you all have secret gold
28th March 2004
 
'Sup dawg. This is Internet gold-enthusiast Oswald, speaking live from the Netherlands. Mr Jerky can't be bothered addressing scum like you at the moment, so instead he has asked me to introduce this goldriffic instalment of Planet Jerky.
 
I'm going to use this fantastic opportunity to talk to you about my favourite precious metal: Silver... Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Do not panic, fans! I was merely jesting. My favourite precious metal is (and always will be) gold. I fucking love gold.
 
Alright, that'll be it.
 
Oswald AKA The Golden Man
 
Disclaimer: May not have actually been written by Oswald.
 
 
Monday 22nd March 2004:
I allowed a contractor to enter my flat and fix my shower while I was at work today. I didn't want to let a stranger in my house while I was out, but didn't exactly have a choice. When I was a painter and decorator, I wouldn't even consider nosing around a client's home while they were out. But unfortunately, I know that most/all people who are not me are utter cunts, and will therefore nose around.
 
I came home to find the shower fixed and my possessions unstolen. HOWEVER: My MSN "display picture" had been changed... I hope he hasn't been online, posing as me and damaging my Internet street cred!
 
Tuesday 23rd March 2004:
Some swarthy little shit at work is really starting to piss me off. He keeps coming up to me and spouting stuff like "I iz going to spark you out, innit" and a load of other bollocks that would easily earn someone a punch in the mouth outside of work. He then puts his filthy fucking paws on me and says something like "Oh, I iz only joking, you iz alright". It never really bothered me at first, but now it's getting to me. I'd like to see the pudgy cunt suffer. At my hands, preferably.
 
Wednesday 24th March 2004:
I have a theory that when the IT Department at my work have nothing to do, they fuck things up intentionally to create work for themselves. They sometimes try to hide necessary computer files in random folders on the shared-directory, just so people will call them up and ask for help. This never works because I always manage to find them using the Windows "search" feature.
 
So yesterday, the fuckers decided to delete our files entirely. This lack of files made work impossible for me, so I was bored all day and didn't bother doing my usual overtime. When I do not do overtime, they put evening temps in my desk soon after I leave. I returned to my desk this morning to find it smelling of shit and covered with what appeared to be black pubic hair. Grr. Also, they didn't "fix" the shared-directory until halfway through the day. But hey, it wasn't all bad... At least I had a massive pile of work to catch up on!
 
Thursday 25th March 2004:
The Internet's Mr Beardo and I had agreed to go swimming again today. I tried to call him to see where he was, but his mobile was switched off. I then sent him a text message calling him a "slag" and went in on my own. He sent a text back saying: "I was in hospital for your information". I asked him what was up and he said "That's confidential, but I'm fine". I cannot understand why an unexpected trip to the hospital would be confidential information - Unless it was because he'd accidentally lodged a jam jar or other similarly-large foreign object in his arse.
 
Later, I was walking home from the swimming pool when a man travelling in the opposite direction began staring at me with a mental grin on his face. He then started making crow noises. "CAW! CAW! CAW!" he went. I honestly couldn't think of a way to react to this. I just stared back at him until we passed each other. Fucking crow man.
 
Saturday 27th March 2004:
I was supposed to buy some new shoes today as I have destroyed my old ones. But I didn't because that would mean going outside and outside is full of cunts. Instead, I decided to say at home and drink some vodka that I bought a while back. Luckily, there wasn't that much left so I didn't get too drunk. This is a good thing I suppose, as things could have got a bit ugly had I carried on.
 
That's all for this week. Now quit your bitchin' and get out of the kitchen!
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY