You go drink Dutch Gold, fucker
25th January 2004
 
Hello there, you spinning ponce. The Internet's "Gaq" has recently informed me that he is planning to start his own web journal. He claims it will "destroy" Planet Jerky. Ha! He probably won't even do it and if he does, he'll stop updating it after a week or so.
 
Gaq clearly does not respect his fans. Also, his penmanship is atrocious and he dresses in the manner of a male prostitute.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Reversable Sedgewick
 

 
Monday 5th January 2004:
Returned to the office ready for another year of work, the thought of which is depressing. I wish some crazed maniac would stab me to death, just so I wouldn't have to work anymore.
 
Wednesday 7th January 2004:
Ate a large donner kebab whilst sober, which is something I have never done before. I didn't have time to do shopping today and was curious to see if kebabs were as appetising as they seem after a few drinks. It wasn't as bad as I expected, but I probably won't do it again.
 
Later, I went to another of Dave's gigs in Brighton. It was pretty cool. Between songs, some guy in the crowd kept yelling "Shamone!" Dave responded by announcing he was a "bad mofo".
 
Thursday 8th January 2004:
I haven't made a very good start with my New Year's resolution. I said I'd go Thai-Boxing at least twice a week, but I haven't even been once since last year. I meant to go today, but I decided I'd rather sit at home and... not go.
 
Friday 9th January 2004:
I literally screamed with delight upon receiving my new mobile phone that I ordered online. Internet shopping is fantastic, you can use cash to obtain great stuff without going out and being surrounded by disgusting human beings! Speaking of phones and human beings, I received some bizarre text messages from Mr Beardo:
 
"You do not seem your arsehole. What up fellow? You no like beer? You do? Well drink more you guy."
 
"What? you think me funny pal. You stink of bike from german fat man bottom and you look like snot of goat from india. You stink you fucking guy. Kiss my stinky armpit of 10 days farm work. I spit on your feet and piss on your face! I will fist you up good! From gundor conchili, mayor of your mothers cess pool! Ps. Go drink camel milk you pants of an arabian!"
 
Monday 12th January 2004:
Beardo informed me that he was going to the pub to celebrate payday. Y'know, instead of saving his cash to pay back the £100 he owes me AND the "pocket money" I gave him on Friday (he waited until he was INSIDE the club before telling me he was broke). I would ask him for the money now, but I don't see WHY I should have to keep BEGGING for things THAT ARE MINE.
 
Tuesday 13th January 2004:
Decided to be a "bastard" and remind that pesky Beardo once again about my money. If I don't act quickly, he will spend it all and get into debt again. Then I'll have to wait until he's next out of debt before I can ask again. I made the mistake of sending him a text-message before phoning, so he knew not to pick up the phone. I called him again a bit later while he was out clubbing at "Bar Med" (ten minutes from my house and I wasn't invited...) but as soon as I mentioned money, he started pretending he couldn't hear me. I sent more messages, but got no responses.
 
Saturday 17th January 2004:
Decided to get off my arse and scrub-off all the mould that has been growing around my windows. I've been told that if I don't want it to come back, I'll have to start opening my curtains during the daytime. Also today: I tried to gather-up some people to go out this evening, but none of my "cronies" have enough money. That's an excuse they often use and I choose to believe them because it's either that or they all secretly hate me! Ha-ha-ha, what a ridiculous thought!
 
Wednesday 21st January 2004:
I was bored at work, so I sent Beardo a text message reading "www.lemonparty.org". Strangely enough, he didn't say anything about it.
 
Thursday 22nd January 2004:
Do you know what is "the shit"? Honey Nut Shredded Wheat. I had it for breakfast and now I'm munching it from the fucking box. Go out and buy some today!
 
Saturday 24th January 2004:
Was invited out to a club with some droogs last night. We all got really drunk and on the way home, I tripped on a curb and fucked my ankle up. I am now effectively crippled. I couldn't walk to the pub where Dave's band was playing this evening and had to limp comically to the bus station to get a bus. Once I got to the pub, I found out that by a bizarre coincidence, one of my cronies had also tripped on curb. He didn't hurt his ankle, but he did land face-first on a bench. Hahaha!
 
That's it, snavrons. Oh, I'd just like to mention the huge number of youse sending in remix tapes from your home PCs. They are, without exception, absolutely abominable. Whenever I put one on, Dave Pierce runs into the room gushing "Oooh! That's cool!" It's not cool, Dave... It's shit!
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY