Shamone check checkdakone
4th January 2004
 
Obo krelm, fuckers! Sit down and have a nice, refreshing can of Dutch Gold because Planet Jerky has returned to your screens. So, where has the famous Planet Jerky been exactly? Shut up! This information will only be released on a need-to-know basis!
 
As you may have noticed, I've been making a few changes around here. Mainly this: The entire layout. Unless you are a moron, you will find it fairly self-explanitory. Things like Articles, Cartoons and Downloads still exist and can be found along with the updates of which they were first included. If that makes any sense to you. If it doesn't, please read this.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Lenny Leonard
 
 
Welcome back to my highly-acclaimed Internet web journal. I did have over a month's worth of entries written-down starting in October, but I accidentally deleted them. All I could salvage was this one entry that I posted in an IRC conversation for some reason:
 
Tuesday 26th October 2003:
Heard some guy at work use the phrase "How bizarre". I felt really compelled to reciprocate with "Hey - Buy the rights!" But I didn't for obvious reasons. Also today, the guy from Jerky's Journal 04/09/03 walked past my desk and muttered the word "Tupac" to himself. Later, I looked at his desktop wallpaper and what did I see? Fucking Tupac!
 
But that's it. The rest was destroyed and will never be seen again so get over it. Read on for some more-recent entries!
 
Wednesday 3rd December 2003:
Went to Brighton to see Dave's band play at "The Pressure Point", which was quite enjoyable. At the bar, Mr Beardo and I noticed some new beer called Budweiser "Budvah". Beardo explained to me how "Budvah" was the original Budweiser before those evil Americans STOLE it from Europe and had the audacity to change both its name and recipe.
 
It seems that big American companies have realised that they can use the Brits' hatred of America to market their products. For example: That McDonalds advert where some cunt in a blimp flies over the USA shouting stuff like "You may be bigger, richer and more powerful than us, but we have some crappy burger that you don't have, ner-ner-ner etc".
 
Friday 5th December 2003:
Went to the pub with Dave straight after work. In the pub, we overheard some "geeza" doing his "dodgy deals" over the phone. He sounded suspiciously like Dr Alban and was saying things like "You show me some fucking respect, you fucking guy!" He kept referring to the other person as "guy" - I couldn't believe it!
 
Needless to say, Dave and I were in hysterics and were impersonating him all evening. The hilarious thing was, I don't think there was anyone on the other end. He was probably just talking into his mobile to look cool in front of his friends/strangers!
 
Friday 12th December 2003:
I saw the infamous Staring Guy (13/11/02) at the office and he was up to his usual tricks. But today he wasn't staring at me - He was staring at pictures of tits on his computer screen! He looked like he had been hypnotised by them. Also today, I have noticed that every time I see my next-door neighbour going into her flat, she is accompanied by yet another different man. And I see her going into her flat quite often.
 
Sunday 14th December 2003:
I was reading over a letter I got from the Inland Revenue and apparently, because of some complication, (A long-winded story which I will not go into) I currently owe them the sum of 88p which must be paid before the 31st January 2004. If those fuckers want that money, they will have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
 
Tuesday 16th December 2003:
I was walking home from work, minding my own business when some old woman called me a "fucker". This is really strange because this is the THIRD time I have been on the receiving-end of unprovoked abuse from pensioners in the last fortnight. What the hell am I supposed to do in this kind of situation, turn around and beat the crap out of some war "hero"? As much as I'd want to, I just wouldn't get away with something like that. That's the thing about Crawley, even the elderly have a fucking attitude problem.
 
Wednesday 17th December 2003:
Some guy at work keeps talking about how he always has sex "on the brain". It's like he's bragging about it or something, or feels he has to constantly remind people that he is heterosexual. It's not like I don't believe him though, I reckon he is straight but has definitely kissed a man at some point in his life.
 
Saturday 20th December 2003:
Went out to do my Christmas shopping before I go to my family's gaff in Ireland on Monday. It's a good job I had beer in the fridge, because I haven't needed one so badly for a long time. Man, I hate people so fucking much, especially massive crowds of them. I should be allowed to have a flamethrower for going out.
 
Thursday 1st January 2004:
Happy New Year, you fucking guy! I had an excellent time in Ireland amongst a selection of hairy lummoxes, including Mr Agus, Captain Research, Luke and Red. Click here to see all of us (except Red)! I just got back from the airport and I'm going back to work first thing tomorrow. Bah! At least there's only one day until the weekend.
 
Jerky's Journal has ended. Now get out of here before I call the police.
 
© 2004 MR. JERKY