John Becker is a doctor who prescribes narcotics to his favourite patients
17th October 2003
 
Today, I bring pointless news that The Internet's Planet Jerky has now been running for over two years now! Yes, it's birthday was on the 10th of this month. You'd think I would have given up by now, wouldn't you?
 
In other news, some sub-literate cretin claiming to be "Gaq's Underling" has been terrorising my Guestbook. The true identity of this fucking rhombus is still unknown, but any readers who can provide information leading to his capture will be on the receiving-end of a very special reward.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Inspector Bumhat
 
 
Friday 26th September 2003:
Returned to work after taking two days off due to illness. I heard that I missed a some sort of bomb scare yesterday where they evacuated the entire building for a couple of hours. Turned out it was just some guy's briefcase.
 
This afternoon, some relatives from Ireland (including Planet Jerky's chief scientist CAPTAIN RESEARCH and big-haired punk LUKE) came over to England to attend the wedding of some cousin I haven't seen since I was four or something.
 
While at my gaff, my nine year-old sister saw some of the louts across the road from my window. I explained to her what was going on over there. "But if they don't have jobs, how can they afford to live?" she asked. I told her about the welfare system. "So they STEAL money from you?" she responded. In a way, yes!
 
Saturday 27th September 2003:
Woke up with a serious hangover after going out to a nightclub with my chum "Dave" who hasn't really been able to go "out on the town" for the last two years on account of being tied-down by one of those "relationship" things. But that is over now! We all got tanked-up and had a really good laugh.
 
My cousin's wedding was today but The Research and I couldn't be bothered going. Instead we stayed at my gaff and watched DVDs, including Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Later, we watched some madcap dancing auctioneer on "bid-up.tv" for a few hours. It was hilarious!
 
Sunday 28th September 2003:
Myself, Research and Ashman caught a train to London to meet-up with Luke, my sister and my parents. We went to see David Blaine at Tower Bridge and I must say, I have never before been so excited to see a man STANDING UP and WAVING! He looked suspiciously healthy for a man who hasn't eaten for so long. Some nutter was sleeping in in the middle of the crowd and some fat kid hurled lame abuse at Blaine throughout. After that, we had a whole day to fill so we visited the nearby Tower Of London. Highlights of this included:
 
+ Me finding a dead swan in some old chest that I wasn't supposed to open.
+ Research pointing and laughing at a suit of armour with hilarious extruding groin-protection.
+ Luke getting funny looks from old people while pretending to snort lines of sugar.
+ Ashman pumping his fist and chanting "White Tower!" on the way to the White Tower.
 
Monday 29th September 2003:
Took a day off work to take the Research Gang to Chessington. However, I checked the website only to find out that it was closed today. Bah! I took them all bowling instead. I had planned to show you the Chessington photographs here on Jerky's Journal, but I couldn't because they don't exist. So I'm going to show you some "classic" ones instead. Click the links, holmes!
 
Vampire Ride 1998 | Dragon River 1998 | Rameses Revenge 1998 | Vampire Ride 1999
 
Tuesday 30th September 2003:
Returned to work to find my desk trashed by some messy temp they had sitting at it during yesterday's absence. I was a bit peeved at first, but then I noticed the mysterious return of my mini desk calendar... I KNEW it was him who STOLE it from me! It's been missing since June! He put it there yesterday and forgot to tidy it up when he left. That sonamabitch has slipped-up proper.
 
Also today: My family went back home to Ireland and I got pissed-up at Dave's gaff. Amazingly, Mr Beardo took some time out from his hectic girlfriend-boffing schedule to come and join us. Found out that he cannot pay back the money he owes me (10/09/03) as he is in debt to the bank again. I am not at all surprised.
 
Thursday 2nd October 2003:
As a chap who's always looking to learn new and more-effective ways of hurting people, I decided to pack-in my boxing training and join a Thai-boxing club instead. It's excellent stuff. The guy running the class competes in international kickboxing tournaments and he's a really good teacher. The funny thing is, he is probably the least intimidating-to-look-at guy ever. He's 5"3' with a really small build, but I wouldn't want to mess with him as he could kick my head off, probably.
 
Saturday 4th October 2003:
Accidentally got up too early (11am). I didn't have anything constructive to do today, so I conducted a Captain Research-esque scientific experiment. The purpose of the experiment: To see if drinking the nearly-full bottle of ultra-cheap vodka left over from my party (29/06/03) would make me really drunk. The result: Yes, it did. I passed out on my bed and later, received a phone call from Dave asking if I wanted to come over for a few beers. I had to decline as I was too hung-over.
 
Monday 6th October 2003:
Someone I barely know had the fucking audacity to come up to me and say; "Cheer up". Oh! "Cheer up"! Thanks a bunch! People have got some fucking nerve. Why the hell should I smile just because my scowling offends YOU? If I want to scowl, I shall do so and not give a shit what you think. Unless you're going to stop me by doing/saying something practical to make me happy, please shut your fucking mouth and mind your own fucking business.
 
Thursday 9th October 2003:
Went to Thai-boxing class. I had a momentary lapse of concentration during some training exercises and allowed some massive lummox to bust my lip open. I was okay though. I think it's pretty cool that it's only my second class and they're allowing me to kick/be-kicked-by people. I know I'm going to ache tomorrow mind you.
 
Mr Beardo's parents told me that Beardo had disappeared and hadn't been seen since Monday. Turns out he had broken-up with his girlfriend (again) and was hanging around with some new girl or something. Jebus man, that guy's like some sort of real-life Pat Mustard.
 
Friday 10th October 2003:
Went to Dave's gaff this evening and got boozed-up with him and some others. Dave showed us a collection of letters he had recieved from the police, listing some of his many crimes. We all had a good laugh, even though the drinks were on me. As per usual. Even though I'm the only one with bills and rent to pay. Oh well.
 
Wednesday 15th October 2003:
Was informed of the new "Teen Big Brother" being aired tonight. What a fucking stupid idea. Some Internet guy put it best when he said: "It's the only way they can get people more fucking moronic than the usual BB contestants short of starting Mentally Handicapped Big Brother". Naturally I didn't watch it. If I wanted to see a bunch of worthless miscreants impregnate each other, I'd look out of my window. Although I actually do look out of my window. Last night I saw a guy punch some dirty slapper in the mouth... I laughed for hours!
 
This edition of Jerky's Journal is over. Now put an egg in your shoe and "beat it"!
 
© 2003 MR. JERKY