I am the Eggman, that's what I am
13th September 2003
 
Wheeeee pop-me-do, you plain-featured youth. I have made a few alterations that will affect those of you who enjoy reading old news. All the "classic" Planet Jerky updates have been arranged into neat little bundles or something. See the bottom of this page if you don't believe me!
 
I think this is better than my old system and if you don't agree, I shall strike you down on Horsell Common with my savage, unearthly heat-ray. Yeah, go on then, go write an account for your precious "newspaper". See if I give half a shit.
 
Mr Jerky AKA Moon Unit Megadroid
 
 
Saturday 16th August 2003:
As you may/may not know, my job entitles me to fly to many exotic locations around the globe for free. So where have I gone for my summer holiday this year? Ireland, guy! Waiting for myself and Agus at Dublin airport was Luke of PEN15 fame. In the car, Luke told me he had spent all afternoon building me a present. He wouldn't divulge what it was at first, but he assured me I'd be "dead pleased" and it'd be "to die for". Click here, guy!
 
Sunday 17th August 2003:
Luke has been watching too much Rocky Anthology on DVD. Being the highly impressionable chap he is, he has taken to training with my old weights in an attempt to be more like Rocky. Gah. That kid has been taller than me since he was 12, I won't be too pleased if he ever becomes stronger than me as well. I went with him for a run in the fields, but I think I've gone a bit soft - I used to be able to do this with minimal effort, but today I was totally fagged! "Fagged" means tired, look it up.
 
Sunday 24th August 2003:
Arrived back in England early this morning after what seemed like a really short week. Was "greeted" by a letter from work. It seems that we are all getting a special bonus, next month I shall get an extra £550 for doing this: Nothing. I should spend it on something good like hookers, but I'll probably just hoard it away in my savings account. But still - Free money is great!
 
Tuesday 26th August 2003:
Went back to work for the first time in ten days. The best thing about this is that I'm still getting paid for all those days. Har-har-har! Went out to the pub with Mr Beardo now that he is no longer glued to his girlfriend. It was a pretty surreal evening, we even hung-out with the Crawley Party Guy! (05/07/03) Oh man, what an honour!
 
Wednesday 27th August 2003:
Attended some compulsory customer service/team building course at work. The whole thing was a preposterous farce, and it seemed like the longest day of my entire life. Other people seemed to be enjoying it, but I felt drained of my will-to-live throughout.
 
At one point, one of the trainers showed me some cut-out magazine pictures glued to a piece of coloured paper, decorated with glitter. She then asked me how it related to my job. I should have spoken my mind and responded with "IT'S A FUCKING COLLAGE. IT DOESN'T RELATE TO *ANYTHING*" But instead I pulled some stupid, intangible shit out of my arse (I can't "blag" to save my life). And did she "get the hint" that I didn't want to play her stupid game? No she fucking didn't.
 
What is wrong with people like that? I mean, you've already succeeded in your mission to catch me out and make me look like a halfwit in front of other people, so why can't you just leave it at that? What the hell did I ever do to you anyway?!
 
Friday 29th August 2003:
Today, I heard a malicious rumour about myself created by someone I've NEVER EVEN MET. Great, now complete strangers are out to get me. That's just fucking brilliant. It's stuff like this that leads me to be paranoid about any other possible bullshit rumours that may be floating around that I myself will NEVER EVEN KNOW ABOUT. I'm telling you, there are far too many people bent on destroying me for stupid reasons, mainly: Having the sheer audacity to exist.
 
Saturday 30th August 2003:
Went to Mr Beardo's place of work to give him his PSOne back. When I got there, he was serving a customer. I stood less than two feet away from him, occasionally waving and calling his name for about five minutes. Yet from those clues, he still couldn't figure out I was there. I would have shouted his name, but then I'd just look like some yelling idiot. I didn't fancy waiting another 15 minutes for him to finish the transaction (he does this EVERY time and I always feel like a tool waiting for him) so I gave the merchandise to one of his colleagues, to pass on to Beardo once he'd snapped out of his trance.
 
Monday 1st September 2003:
After purchasing some industrial clippers, Agus finally shaved-off the legendary beard which he has been growing for the last 99 days. Click here to see a re-enactment of those 99 days in mere seconds!
 
Tuesday 2nd September 2003:
Visited some pub with that Dave character. While there, I went to the toilet and stepped in some human faeces that were located in the middle of the floor. Yes, that's right.
 
Wednesday 3rd September 2003:
Overheard a conversation between two "Crawley geezers". One of them was bragging about how he'd bought a £70 car and sold it on for £30 profit. Now is it just me or is that a lot of work to justify a pitiful £30? He even rubbed his fingers together and said "blingy blingy". His mate and some tart were well impressed. I really wish Crawley folk would stop talking out of their arses.
 
Thursday 4th September 2003:
There's some guy in my office and while I have only ever overheard him speak six sentences, every one of those sentences contained the word "Tupac". Today I saw him having a chat with some other guy, and though I could not hear the details of their conversation, I heard him say the word "Tupac" eight times from start to finish. Man, that guy must really love Tupac!
 
Friday 5th September 2003:
A new "ASDA" opened about ten minutes walk from my house this week. How convenient! I did my shopping there today. Not only is the place really massive, but it is also full of fucking imbeciles who like to stand around aimlessly and block my way. Grr.
 
Since Agus has gone back to Ireland, I have not yet got out of the habit of buying his extra food. This morning I had to throw out TWO expired Cornish pasties. I was most displeased as Cornish pasties feature prominently in my list of all-time most-favourite foodstuffs.
 
Monday 8th September 2003:
Heard some news on David Blaine's latest stunt. Apparently. he has been subjected to a lot of abuse from drunken Londoners. Hey, if attacking a guy trapped inside a box doesn't show the world just how tough we Brits are, I don't know what will!
 
Wednesday 10th September 2003:
Was allowed a day off work while the office computer system was being fixed/upgraded/whatever. During the afternoon, Mr Beardo contacted me. He needed to borrow £100 to buy an "X-Box" after his parents had confiscated his ATM card. He's not going to learn his lesson if I continue giving him cash, but the guy is a buddy and I'll look like a bit of a bastard if I refuse.
 
Friday 12th September 2003:
Was a bit bored, so I "Jerkshui'd" my flat. A couple of clever moves and I now have twice as much floorspace! I was "really pumped" as a result of this, and actually felt like going out with intent to enjoy myself... But everyone I called was busy. That was a bit of a downer.
 
Tune in next time as there will be some serious, bad-ass, wu-tang, scooby-gang, funky-ass shit I be laying down on yo' ass. Mr Jerky is in da house and he be taking care of business!
 
© 2003 MR. JERKY