I am Goldust, you are not Goldust
9th June 2003
 
Be-ba-ba-do! Be-ba-ba-ba-do! Hello and welcome to another long-overdue edition of Planet Jerky, you fucking infidel. Why am I not as regular (with updates) as I used to be? That's none of your god-damn business! I do not need you explain myself to the likes of you!
 
Unfortunately, there's not much in the way of stuff included in this update except for the usual Jerky's Journal installment. What can I say? You get what you pay for, guy.
 
Before I go for another unspecified period of time, I will leave you with these words spoken to me by the late Mr T on his death bed: "If you believe in yourself, eat all your school, stay in milk, drink your teeth, don't do sleep and get eight hours of drugs, you can get work!"
 
Mr Jerky AKA Guffnic Spud
 

 
Tuesday 13th May 2003:
I've lived in this building for nearly a week now, and while I sometimes hear other people walking around outside my door, I am yet to actually catch a glimpse of any of them. I have seen plenty of those unpleasant youths who live across the road, however. Grr... Just who do those fuckers think they are?
 
Wednesday 14th May 2003:
Attended a meeting at work today and as a result, I am now privy to some "highly confidential" and "top-secret" industry information about a new scheme which will put those British Airways "sons of bitches" in their place, apparently. We've been told to keep it under our hats, although I suspect this might just be a clever scheme to circulate false rumours and/or make us feel really important. All will be revealed this July.
 
Friday 16th May 2003:
Went to Gaff Beardo and got pissed-up with Mr Beardo and Dave. Judging from Beardo's new threads, I'd say he is trying to be a townie. This is a shame as I despise townies. Those pesky runts are constantly violating my field of vision with their worthless presences. They make me want to vomit with rage.
 
Tuesday 20th May 2003:
At work, I thought to do a search for BARNABUS WHITESPUNNER (See 28/01/03) in the company's files. I'm not sure why I didn't think of this before. Didn't get any information on his whereabouts, but I know he went to Hong Kong. Barnabus can't hide forever, one of these days he's going to slip up... And on that day, I shall catch him!
 
Thursday 22nd May 2003:
Went to "Fight Club" (the boxing gym) and punched the bags until I busted my knuckles open. They were dripping with blood and ectoplasmic scab goo! This is odd as my fists are usually conditioned to withstand such punishment.
 
Sunday 25th May 2003:
I REALLY like the new Halfords advert. It's a shame those FUCKING IDIOT PROTESTERS are trying to make them take it off the air, like what they did with the PG Tips adverts. I want chimps on my TV! And delivering my pizzas, dammit!
 
Monday 26th May 2003:
Yet another May bank holiday. Bank holidays are indeed excellent, especially now that I get paid to stay at home and not work. I went to see Matrix Reloaded with Mr Beardo, which was coo'. It would have been better were the cinema not packed with horrible, disgusting human beings but at least the cinema employee who always keeps one hand under the desk (and operates the till one-handed) was not working tonight. That guy is either missing a hand or is gay and has absolutely no self control.
 
Tuesday 27th May 2003:
Went to some pub with Mr Beardo and some other cronies. Beardo spent a lot of time playing music and ring tones on his mobile phone. This seemed to really piss off the pub regulars, who gave him some really evil glares behind his back. But unsurprisingly, they didn't actually say or do anything about it.
 
Tuesday 3rd June 2003:
Today I saw a group of three white boys walking along and rapping out loud. I looked at this and thought: That's not right. People busting choreographed rhymes in public is not the sort of thing that happens in real life, is it? It was a bizarre sight alright, like discovering a new breed of idiot.
 
Friday 6th June 2003:
Discovered that the supermarket near my gaff (that previously did not stock Jaffa Cakes) are now doing a special deal: BUY ONE GET ONE FREE JAFFA CAKES. I hit the jackpot! Jaffa Cakes are so awesome I want to crap my pants!
 
Saturday 7th June 2003:
I could have sworn I saw some guy I once knew from Ireland today. I recognised him ashe was the smarmy git who came first in our school's farcical "Student Of The Year" awards, while Mr Jerky came a pitiful "turd" (Third in an Irish accent). I could sit here and rant about how it was "all politics" until the cows come home, but I won't because: (A) I don't care. (B) You definitely don't care. (C) He may have actually been smarter than me. Excellently, my third-place prize was a book about Communism. I never read it.
 
Sunday 8th June 2003:
Some guy (who Mr Beardo later convinced me was Howard from the Halifax adverts) came to look at my flat today. He's planning on purchasing it... Will Jerky be left homeless?! Not to worry, Jerk-fans! He is an investor and I will still rent the flat from the agency. He'll just own it. Speaking of my flat, I have lived on my own for exactly one month as of today, and I am still very much alive. I must be doing something right, guy!
 
Monday 9th June 2003:
Received my first phone bill today. Total price: £55.55. Money actually spent on calls: 58p (I use my mobile for calls and my land line for the internet). So how did they work THAT out? I called BT immediately. It turns out they'd signed me up for a bunch of packages I didn't even want, the big fools. They refunded the money, so that's okay I suppose.
 
I grow weary of your insolence. Get out of my journal.
 
© 2003 MR. JERKY