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NEW STUFF OLD STUFF
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Jerk for freedom
12th January 2003 Good morning! Welcome to the second part in a new era of semi-regular Planet Jerky updates. See, I said I might be back and I am. So what kind of tasty treats does your Uncle Jerky have for you this time? I'll tell you what kind of tasty treats, laddo! Go to Cartoons to see a brand new series entitled Jerky's Sketches. What is Jerky's Sketches? It's just a bunch of stuff drawn by me, guy! And as always, there is a new episode of Jerky's Journal. Just like the old days! Will I be writing anything new for my Articles section in the near future? For the answer to that self-posed question and more, please click here. Mr Jerky AKA "Toast Face" Buchanan 
Monday 30th December 2002:
Returned to England after spending Christmas at my family's gaff in Ireland. I had quite a good time, click here if you don't believe me. I wanted to stay for the New Year, but due to a farcical mix-up I ended up coming back early. Bah, I might have to experience the last remaining moments of 2002 in a bowling alley! Wednesday 1st January 2003: I was at a party at a crony's house when the next thing I know, it's about three hours later and I am on my own in some area miles from the party AND my home in a really confused and distressed state. For some reason, I was running around screaming like a lunatic and my vision was so blurred, I was practically blind. I had absolutely no idea where I was or what was going on. I did finally get home and in the morning, I felt sicker than I have ever felt before. Though my brain was functioning, I was almost paralysed and unable to walk, so I stayed in bed until 6pm. If I didn't know better, I'd say my drink was tainted with some mind-bending substance as part of a REALLY inappropriate practical joke. However, I have no evidence to back this crazy theory nor do I have any suspects. Now I have a memory blank to worry about for a while. For all I know, I could have trashed my mate's house, punched his fish tank or shat in his wicker chair - And I might not ever know about it! I'll just get a load of dirty looks off people. Sunday 5th January 2003: Made possibly the vilest cup of coffee that ever existed today. I drank some of it, then tipped the rest down the sink. I went to make another one when I discovered that I had accidentally used gravy granules instead of coffee - Not unlike an incident in an episode of Only Fools And Horses. I felt like such a plonker! Monday 6th January 2003: I was horrified when I came into work to find that somebody had STOLEN my blue pen and post-it notes from my desk. The culprit left no evidence, but I bet it was the work of that guy who looked at me and my desk... He must have been planning this stationary heist for weeks! Thursday 9th January 2003: Ashman fired me as his "human dictionary" after he failed to comprehend my definition of the expression "deja vu". He'll come crawling back as soon as hears another word he doesn't understand. However, he has not yet fired me as his personal trainer, despite the fact that he can't yet give me ONE satisfactory chin-up, no matter how many McBain-esque slogans I shout at him. Saturday 11th January 2003: Ashman was playing some Japanese emulated Mega Drive game on my computer. He got to a stage in the game where he had to fight a pink bear who uses his disproportionately-oversized testicles to block attacks. Yes, that's right. I don't know about you but if I was in a fight, my testicles would be the last part of my anatomy I'd use as a shield. This exhibit is now closed. Get off my property, trespasser.
© 2003 MR. JERKY |
